Battlefield

Like the sound of a steed galloping in the distance. Like a dreamer about to wake from deep sleep, something approaches. 

Pages have been written about this day. Endless songs played and replayed. Catch breath, because something approaches. 

side note: have you ever sat beside an octopus? It ain't pretty. It's also not so pretty to be spoken to in this way... like I'm void of brains. A half-wit. A shell. Fucking offensive. 

When I was young I made this promise. No green light. No go. ...Is the light soon turning green... I thought this while on the subway, commuting to work. It was early, or some time of day, but it crossed my mind. And this thought NEVER crosses my mind. 

I'll keep you posted.

Yeah... The quality has been bad. More insincere than bad. More dishonest than insincere. Honor and Valor have gone off the trails, afraid to be upright, to be what it should be. This saddens me. 

... I'll keep you posted. 

Every Word Counts

Now, I've never argued with Stupid, like, what's the point. But I'm killer baffled. Like, half laughing and half mortified. 

Offended? No. Kinda pissed, pissed off, like really pissed? Fuck yeah.

Long ago, a friend, Albert, once advised me "choose your battles wisely". He shared this at the height of my pissed-off ness. I didn't care for his advice, at first, I was actually offended. Like, can't he see the injustice? Doesn't he care? But chewing on it, while grrr'ing and snarling, re-playing the dreaded scenario... He was right. 

So, fine. Exhale. Not worth my time.

Just recently, a few days ago, a Grrrr scenario went down. Like, two Grrrr incidents in the same day. 

At first I wondered if it was a generational thing... but it's not. It's a people thing. Maybe a bit of a generational thing. 

I was working on set, and while waiting for the day to start, people start shooting the breeze. I won't share specifics, but these two young lads spoke to me in this way as if I wasn't listening, like when you're talking about someone as soon as they leave the room, in a snide way. It felt like high school, and it's possible they just graduated from high school within the last five years.

"Why are they still accepting..."
"Long sleeves, again?" 

It's not what they said, but how they said it. It's all about intention. They said it to be outright mean, they wanted me to hear it. Or maybe we just live in a culture where people have no freaking clue how they sound because we've become so detached, or self-imperial, or just assholes. Take your pick.

I asked a few friends, is this normal now? To speak to people in such a way? I've never come across it, but my cross section of friends and acquaintances are your everyday, work hard, non asshole people. 

Everyone said, "Not normal". Another friend surmised "millennials". I guess they were of that age group, maybe? But mostly, idk? I'd love to blanket it and say, "yeah, millennials" but I think it's more far reaching.

I think people are more jerky nowadays. Rude. Self-important in their fiercely contained, well-managed and driven Instagram, selfie world. Too quick to judge, to toss to the side, and gossip, which has become a cultural norm. It's frightening. We've become this overly obsessed Tear-Down culture. The ultimate self-ruling judge. 

My crown is bigger than yours, so fuck off! 

I blame Twitter, the comments link to any article, boredom, and sheer ignorance to what goes on outside of your backyard: geopolitics and technology. If you were truly informed about the happenings of the rest of the world, like really informed without feeling informed by just reading a mere new headline, than this ambush to tear down strangers would become meaningless. Like, void of reason.

So. How should I end this...

For any jerks out there or loose lipped assholes. Before you drop the mic, ready to give it to someone, pretend that you're standing in front of a mirror. And let it rip, don't hold back. Go off!! And then keep going, and going, and going. Don't stop until you realize that words matter, that every word counts. And cuts.

Choose to be good.

The Interlude

Tangled roots. Binds. Cords. The cage. 

Certain words can break such devices. And very few will discern this.  



I'm working on a new script. It's taking a killer long time. I want it to be savage, as nature is savage. I want the reader to be uncomfortable and question what they feel and believe. I want it to be close to the first nature. And I don't want to deceive the reader, but be honest, which means... it's not easy to put it on paper. 

I will procrastinate. Later, I'll finish that part later, I say. I don't have the energy. Using your brain takes energy. And I rather think of blank half the time. It's very relaxing to think of blank.

This script may also be complete shit. Only time will tell.

I've not written this blog for x days due to extreme misstep, confusion, and complete boredom. Mind you nothing much has changed. The only thing that has changed is I have a somewhat less vague idea where I want to step next. It's a relief yet the waiting is maddening. And excess coffee only makes the wait more jittery.

ankle update: 99.9% healed. Not at a 100 yet. Possibly never. 

  

Wanting...

the right road.

I was speaking with a friend the other day, I haven't seen them for years. My friend shared with me the grief of finding their way in life and the time it's taking to get from point A to point ... somewhere else.

I feel for my friend, and I know exactly how they feel. It's not easy to be honest with yourself, especially when living in a world that points fingers and gets judgy. And we live in a very judgy world.

I personally couldn't give a shit what people think, and believe me, it's not easy getting to this place. But one thing I don't abide is when perceptions and untruths roll off the tongues of the misinformed:  people who are gossipy and stupid, maiming a persons life or character. I always say, if you can't say it to their face, just shut the fuck up.

And right now, at this time, which is 7AM in the morning, I'm truly unsatisfied with the road I'm on. It's a choking feeling yet I have no idea where to walk next. What I do know is that I HATE being told what to wear, and my current job has this particular company that wants to outfit us in a very popular brand. My colleagues are psyched, whooo, free stuff. Me? I'm utterly sickened. I'm very anti-brand, except for Chucks, I love my Chucks.

But about wanting...

I do know that I want to help people, I love people, as broken and messed-up as we are. Works in progress I always say, we are works in progress, or at least I hope we are. Until then (a window creaking open) I will hold my head up, press on, and try to be thankful for what I do have: healthy family, a roof over my head, intermittent/bouts of peace, coffee and hope. Oh, and God. I have God.

... I didn't mention friends. That was not by accident. It's really hard to find true friends. That's another blog, for another day. Or maybe not.