Kinda Happier. Not Really

I felt excited the other day. An unfamiliar yet familiar feeling. Like, I actually smiled genuine.

It was for a new story idea. The thought of writing something grand. The challenge of it: it's gonna be a task. 

Unfortunately there aren't any coffee shops available to start the deliciously agonizing process of an outline. Only my desk at home. I'm bored just thinking about it. 

I will start (I'm nodding), for sure. This week. Surrounded by snacks and beverages. A movie, or two, maybe three, in the background, so when looking up from the blank sheet my eyes will not drop in despair. 

unrelated:

I sometimes venture to the mall for a bit of sad dreary excitement, and see people carrying bundles of new clothes. Hmmm, where in the world are they going to show them off... I spoke about this with a few friends, and they too are confused. They also have seen this in wonderment.    

I so want to be optimistic. But when you're informed, have been informed for many years, and begin to see the drawing of those informed words come to life, with what sounds like a threat, after threat, able to see parts of tomorrow moving quickly forward... I can only exhale, be silent, and look to God.

It's like what Lyn Lehaz said, or tried to say in so few words, actually, she couldn't find the words... Yeah, girl, I get it. I get it. You can't utter, out loud, what's in your spirit, because it's hard to face. Grief is never easy to express. 

For years I worked on and off in bookstore/s, and people would search for books about grief. To help them with words of encouragement for themselves or others. And watching, listening to Lyn, what she couldn't find words to describe is mostly due to grief. When my grief is that point, feels a bit bottomless, I can only ramble incoherent sounds to God, knowing that he will understand. And he does. 

Okay, back to writing.  

I will write the outline, and eventually the script. Just to do it. I will still encourage my friends, with every hope and dream they have, because I love them. My grief will not flood them.

oh snap. I said this one will be happier. Okay. The next one. Promise.  

My My Mire

Watching the water helps some. I'll sit with a book and pay no attention to the time. I can feel the sun bleed strong on the skin, and in a moment the burn is quenched by the cool air wafting off the lake. 

Like, I said. This helps, a little.

Looking beyond this moment to tomorrow, the pages are stark white. Not even a smudge or a line to tease me. There's nothing, and I can't fathom a thought. Like, kerosene, it only adds to the fire plaguing my mind. The thoughts and hopes of yesterday burn bright.  

I've been searching for solace, something tangible. In my search of familiarity, I've veered back to a time when I was more innocent. The possibilities -limitless. I never feared failure, not once, I only feared never trying, despite obstacles and impossibilities. The challenges only sweetened the reward.

I'm far from finding that innocent girl. 

Knowledge can bring a wealth of loneliness. Loneliness of thought and truth. It's a burden. It feels like a burden. I'm making efforts to look away, to set my eyes on frivolity and careless images. I need to do this for a time.

This post reads a bit sad, I know. It's not meant to be.   

Recently I heard droplets of what I initially feared for someone I think so well of. My senses became heightened when hearing and seeing the reality, and a sigh fell off my lips. It appeared unnatural. But I'm not the storyteller, only an observer. And I left the unsightly image for a time, but it has reappeared, and with it many strange and curious words of concern. And I don't have much brain capacity to dwell on rumors. But it was a concern before, and knowing the darkness of what could be, I asked God for confirmation, which I don't ask for often. 

I asked that if true that a bird would shit on my car. And when I went to drive today, I saw two very large splats of poo on the windshield. Coincidence? I dunno. I'm gonna ask again. Than again, it's not often that a bird shits on your car, let along twice and never so splatty.

Keep you vaguely posted on that one.

You see, if there's one thing I despise most, it's control. To have a hand on someone or something, all for selfish gain (this has many branches). One must exercise great wisdom when placing that kind of spell, and it is a spell. The backfire will never allow a peaceful nights rest. And without rest the body will decay from the inside out. And IT will come for its return (fill in the blank: wealth, health, kin), perhaps not today, but in good time.  

Yeah, this post is a bit grim. I will try to write a more frivolous one next. 

A Secret

It's taking a while to write this... weeks, maybe more. The info coming in keeps changing, but the end result is the same. I've also been incredibly grieved at where humanity is heading.


So, in January, the world watched Wuhan fall to its knees. I got this immediate check in my spirit that something irreversible was happening. Fingers started to blame, and they haven't stopped. What matters now, in my opinion, is the end game.  

I knew industries would be touched, but not to this level? No. And this tsunami doesn't look to be ending. 

We all woke to a new day that quickly turned twilight, our vision barely adjusting to the dark. And yet there, in the far distance, the faint gallop of A Death Rider strides, whispering its ill-gotten plan. Some were well-aware of its mission (exhale), but never to this. It's rather brilliant. 

That A WEE little cold/flu can decimate the entire globe. The ENTIRE globe. The entire GLOBE.

But we're safe, just stay inside. Save all the hugs for tomorrow. Be patient. What's another month? 

"Don't leave the house" the parrots squawk in a sick serenade. Some with guns drawn.    

This unquestioned obedience frightens me. Who exactly is calling the shots? I can't point to an exact target, and there are names swirling, but I doubt they are the sole culprit. No, I don't think we've seen their true faces yet.  

So what do "they" want? 

It's definitely not money, they have all the money they want. That digital push button is limitless. But your ability to make money, and survive? Oh yeah, they want that. Independence scares the shit out of them. 

You cannot control what does not need you. 

They want you to beg, eventually, for money, to live, to eat, to return to a "new 
normal". Whatever the f**k that means. Whoever came up with that should be shot. 

And we can only get back to this "new normal" with a global shot.  I know so many people that are waiting for it, pleading, oblivious to what it will rob from them. It's ironic.

And Bill Gates with his invisible handlers?

It's a bit too easy. That patents and plans are all on the table for the world to see. That people are incensed, demanding the head of BG on a stake. I'm right with them, too, but I'm also watching and listening. It's very "on the nose", isn't it? Too easy to point out. And this reaction of many is to be expected. 

Now, is there a vaccine? For sure. With a chip? Oh, yeah, we've been told that its in the pipe for some time. But from this man?

Now, this is just me. My thoughts:

With so much of the world informed of the chip, this DNA changing chip, where payment in crypto$$ will be allotted (cause cash will be gone, debts gone, currency gone), why/who would be daft enough to run to the head of the line, besides the stubbornly uninformed? No one. 

I think Gates is a well-crafted (puppet), a distraction, and will be easily tossed to the side. Until the true "thing", I don't know what to call it, yet, arrives. The world will be excited with open arms, delighted to be saved. Sooo many people want Gates dead, sooo many are fully aware of the chipping plan - it's no secret. And that's what bugs me.  

It's no secret. 

If the ultimate plandemic is about control, what better way than to believe that you caused the tide to turn. You brought Goliath down (us collectively). My fear is that the Goliath behind "Gates" will appear harmless, but will continue the plan forward, with our consent.  

keep you posted. 

The Love Crap

Forgive me if this post is everywhere. I'm purging.


Years ago I worked for this dating coach who also had and still does have a popular dating/advice channel on Youtube, mainly catering to teens. It was nice for a time, but I needed to move on. It had nothing to do with her, she was and still is lovely.

Anyway, upon assisting her with content for an upcoming post I viewed lots of dating man-woman advice channels, and was floored, and I'm still floored at all the CRAP out there. Mainly men advising women how women should behave:

How to best dress and be confident
How to be emotionally assertive
How they like and want to be touched

Do all this and you'll snag a man!

And don't even get me started on the "Does he like me" signs.

I think messages and advice like this, from men especially, murks up how women might view themselves, and how people view basic normal everyday interactions between men and women. I'll use men and women because this is who these videos are geared to: Women Seeking Men.

The ever faithful quote:

"Men overestimate interest and women underestimate interest" alone blurs so much of the insight and information out there.

I have a friend N. She's beautiful, laughs easy and can talk up just about anyone. I'm the same, to a point. She has a common everyday issue, which is the above mentioned. I also have been very misunderstood. 

You see, people are mostly different. We all try to follow a certain set of societal rules but pending what you saw, heard or were spoon-fed, and pending your own fears, insecurities, baggage and scars, it will never be a one-size fits all love connection. 

So, back to men giving advice to women on how to be a woman, and the over estimate interest thing; I reel, and I mean stupendously reel at what most women face daily. Ask them, women, if they have ever been treated unfairly, or been misread for simply being a kind, warm, friendly human being. 

Someone should inform men as well as the women they date:

Looking at you or in your direction does not secretly imply interest.
Touching my hair is not flirting. Women always touch their hair.
Laughing at something you said? Maybe you actually said something funny.
Touching your arm.... well, some people are just naturally touchy.
Asking you about your life? Making polite conversation is just information.

It's bothersome the number of times women will hold their man close, or the razor eyes that come your way just because your in direct eye line. Again, this is a very common occurrence for all women. 

And to all the man-babies out there with a dagger in their heart because a woman doesn't mirror your affection? It's frightening. 

So how do you know (for sure) if someone likes you? Because the examples I've given above are what most "relationship experts" will testify that "YES!!" they're interested. 

Honestly, the best and only way to know is to ask them out. Or did they ask you out? On a date. Not dutch. The man will and must pursue what they want. And if a man can't even cough up the words to ask a women out on a coffee date... well, that's another page of writing to go through.

Women want men that are pursuant. Men often pursue what they want. Even a shy guy will try to share a few words and geek out a smile. We smile at what interests us, right? Like can you hold back a smile after seeing a gorgeous car, or handbag?

And let's not forget asexuals and demisexuals. You probably know a handful of these people. You might even be crushing on one, or a few, and they will never know it.  

That's it.