he made me look

Across a crowded room.

That's how most people notice one another, isn't it?

But these days, though the room be dense with bodies, I see nada.
A friend of mine recently told me she's found the man she wants to marry. I'm truly delighted and happy for her; many prayers were sent for this love to arrive, and he has. But what about just thinking of someone kinda special - just for fun, when nobody's watching. That lost look that begins to glaze over the eyes. What about that? What if such a fantasy no longer exists. There's no one to crush on? No one to think "what if?" No one, that when someone says their name, you smile wide on the inside, and for a brave few, the outside.

I get out, I see people, I meet people. I'm not a shy gal, I usually introduce myself first. I don't stick to the walls and become one with wallpaper. But still, amidst drab conversations, between mercy laughs (which I never do) and short smiles, most of time I'm bored. I've yet to be stimulated. Yet to be intrigued. Mind you I laugh, and at stupid things most of the time, cause truly-truly funny things are hard to come by. So I'll settle for stupid, which is okay - it allows me to think less and laugh more.

Like that gosh darn highschool crush. His name was Dominique. He used to walk behind me when I walked home from school, several meters away (he was shy). I would of course be blabbing to God, cause that's what you do when you think no one's watching. At least I did. 

Later, years and years later I saw him working at a bank. I stood in front of him and knew he was from my past. He looked the same, older, and kinda shorter. We had a "I know you" moment, which we shared in silence. Later that year he waved to me at an Echo and the Bunnymen concert. I didn't recognize him without the wood separating us at the Bank. 

But it's been soooo long since I've sighed. Blushed, or even giggled about someone. They say "when you least expect it you'll meet them." I believe this statement to be a total lie. Who ever came up with this probably said it to some lonely spinster back in the dark ages who was never asked to dance at court. 

But it would be nice. That fuzzy feeling. "The lean" as I call it. The one that causes you to stare just a little bit longer, while thinking absolutely nothing of course. Cause you're just too busy watching.

Must watch more. Must think less.

trust the foe

When are secrets secrets, and how does one know who to trust? I'm struggling with this right now, and it sucks! Like I said, honesty is everything to me.

I take secrets to the grave, no matter what the state of a relationship is. Sometimes even when it's not a secret, when you know it's best not to speak a word - one doesn't have to be told "shhh, don't tell".

In this world where people climb on the backs of "friends" and "peers" to reach that level, where secrets and sometimes half-truths, half-truths which is just a lie, sizzle and pop, where does trust factor in? Cause lips as much as ears enjoy the sticky sweet drama. The he said, she said bullsh*t. The "did you hear such-and-so" load of crap.

When high school was behind me, a most horrible period of time, I thought the childish dramas would end. But they don't, they only grow more tangled. Cause unlike the cafeteria, the main foyer, or behind the gym where fists, brows and hair gets pulled, bringing the shame into the light, grown-ups take it to another place. It becomes more plotting, b*tchy, and used to hurt reputations in the workplace, and even sometimes church. 

Best to keep the long nose out of it. Look elsewhere, and keep track of your own life. The fall can be considerable and take years to mend, for both parties.

But everyday is a day to learn from, to know what counts, to make amends, to hope for the best and to be thankful. And I am thankful.