Ok, it's been a freak long time, 

I've been writing, which I love. It was like a handbag that got lost, somewhere, and most of my favourite things went missing with it. I was just wandering like a fully-sighted zombie, unaware of what misery feels like - that asleep, or too exhausted to want more...no, I always wanted more, just didn't pencil it in.

I'm at this crossroads, it's a bit painful. I have to choose the death of something. It's like losing a body part, and the stench of this rotting corpse is hard to deny.

I get that there's evil in this world. That greed only breeds victims, but who (me) could ever fathom how far deep the roots of greed can travel. And evil is very common now, it's everywhere, it even entertains us, heck, it was my fav genre to write about. But then there's an evil most will never witness, and I hope (naively) our world wants better, which will take man to stand firm. 

The distraction/s can easily take us away, to look elsewhere, to the bullseye, when the truth is beyond the frame. I know that people are mainly good. Most only want simple things in life: a family, a safe place to live, food, shelter, a few trusted comrades. But even that is getting scarce. This world feels very fragile these days, especially when you look beyond your footprint. We walk, most all of us do, and it's easy to not see the person beside us. The rush can be blinding.

We're in the 2nd quarter of this year, and it seems normal, doesn't it? We're still moving about, sleeping, waking up, going to work/not, shopping, turning on the news or social media. Everything appears ok. 

I tweeted years ago about A.I. I also tweeted about UBI (so much hate w that one). I also also tweeted about Alien Invasion of some kind. The Alien Invasion might be interesting. That will be a completely different US vs THEM situation. 

Chin up. 

Almost Everyday

  Pups are interesting. It's flattering yet mortifying when a pup sniffs about. You want to be assuring as to not inflict any damage to developing egos, at least I try to. Some pups are more awkward than others, a few are shy, and most are just trying to figure out their game. It's cute.

The other day there was this 10 year old (looked around 10) with his parents walking in the intimates department. He smiled sweetly at me, lowered his head, then fixed his hair and smiled again. It was adorable. I shared about it with a peer. It's sweet, the before pup stage. She shared about a boy caressing a mannequins leg and how his father quickly stopped the hand from moving higher. We laughed, its all so innocent. 

The actions of grown men are different. Married men especially. There's a discernable difference when the gaze shifts, an energy shift. Nothing can disguise that, words clothe nothing. When this occurs one usually takes a few steps back (I do) and withdraw. I'm just sharing this because its always awkward when it happens. I don't enjoy the feeling. 

A few months back I came upon a "red pill" community of men. I had never heard of this, I even asked a few male peers if they were aware of such a group or term. None had heard of such a thing. It's funny what people hold onto to maintain a sense of security and self-satisfaction. The foundation that people choose to stand on reveals much about the road/journey before them. Perhaps life comes in three lanes: selfish, kinda giving, and completely unaware. 

Red Pill: Mostly selfish

Normal People: kinda giving

Stunted or Still Growing: completely unaware        

Red Pillers need to be the main attraction, very choice driven, finicky about their world/frame. It makes them stand taller when others appear smaller, and the women must be in their prime and comfortably submissive. At least this is what appears to be their world. They also consider themselves to be alpha. 

Normal people are just regular. Their needs are based on what's available, what they're able to attain, and they generally are fair and give what they can. These people are everywhere. They don't need the fastest car, the hottest mate nor the thickest wallet to feel 70% secure. Sure they want more, but who doesn't want more.

Stunted/Still growing are just as many as the normies. We've all had trauma that leave scars, and wounds we don't realize need TLC. I think we get stunted to the age when the trauma created the most impact, like an earthquake mussing up the foundation, the very roots of who we are changed forever. Normal people are most probably mixed into this group. It's not simple nor easy to brush off a past that never felt safe. 

Ok. back to pups. 

Don't want one. Who wants to raise a pup. I'm not interested in making a man, like, how boring would that be. I used to know women that got excited in such projects and their men very willing. I still scratch my head with that one.

Yeah, these are merely fun to think about. 

Today, for now

 It was nice to be out last night, I nearly forgot the feeling of being in a crowd, how quickly it all returns - yesterday. The Batman was fun to watch, heck, even the near-sighted chair kicker didn't ruin it. Exhale. 

You know that breath, the one conjoined with uncertainty. 

Has it been close to a year since my last post? Probably. Has anything changed? Some, some life-changing bits, but I'm mostly rocked by boredom.

It's so fucking hard to plan, to see beyond a few months, to invest in anything. The anvils keep dropping, some more imaginary than others, others very real, but all in all their path is met with an intended target. 

My work has slowed, so I'm looking to knock knock, but not at the expense of wasting my or someone else's time. I hate wasting time, though I can ace that by watching/listening to podcasts about the silent happenings of out there. So silent that its screams are a kin to a whisper.  

So...CBDC. It's terrifying, yet perfect to seal people into submission, a slow, perhaps quick transition. When following in alignment what could be so wrong, but a misstep might break the spell. I hate that people are camped on this/that side, swayed by the "authorities" doling out stipulations to live/breathe/think. Trust is earned, never to be just handed over. And fear is a beast with many hooks and binds, and only we have the rule to decide how far it reaches us. I hate fear.

Huh, look at the time, must run some errands. Maybe I'll write again. Something more happy.

unrelated note: someone close to me accused me of desiring something that belongs to them. i don't think our relationship will ever be the same. i'm still in shock, i never thought it would ever go there. does time heal all wounds...

***

Catch Up

Not written in days, don't ask how many. I hate math.

Right now it's 853pm and I'm listening to Mazzy Star. For those who don't know Mazzy, I feel kinda bad. Mazzy came out when the world was still great, sure it had problems, what decade hasn't. But it was never this level of fucked up.

Right now, the window is open and a refreshing breeze is cooling the room. The nice kinda cool that reminds you that you're alive. Like, when you drive with the windows open at night, the air rushes in the car, passed your skin...you know. Yeah, you know it. It feels great. 

Question: 

When did we (as people) become this unglued, hyper-sensitive, hateful bunch. Not all of us, but a good fucking handful. We all know at least one. 

Of course I'm not talking about you. 

But a thread did get pulled, a long-ass thread. I think it started, like, cosmically, in the unseen realm, around 2009...give or take a year. At least that's when I noticed, even commercially, the darkness creeping towards the dawn. 

Thank goodness fast fashion is dying. 

I've avoided words, I have. For months and months and months. And I love words. It physically pained me, bruised me, and rotted me in this way. I almost resented it/them. Why? Because I had nothing to write, nothing to say about tomorrow. I'm trying to change that with these two blog posts.  

Am I all over the place? Maybe. I don't care. 

My life, as of late, has been a numb yet emotional ride. Pain doesn't quantify. The knife, the pokes, the blood; the endless seconds hatching more babies. Thankfully each minute is better than the last. And I refuse defeat. 

It's so quiet. Is it quiet on your end? Like the telephone line has snapped. I was thinking maybe God wants me to spend more time with him...but I've not reached out to him as much, or anyone. When in pain, solace is all you can bare. Zero emotions, maybe just anger. 

When you're sliced from hip to hip, stitched up like a Thanksgiving turkey, you become sharply aware how vital the mid-section is. Laugh, cough, sneeze, rise from the bed - it's a whole new world of hurt. Thankfully I can laugh again. 

Be thankful. Hate less. Love way more. Fear not. Fear not. Fear not.  

In (Almost) Everything

 

The canary sings a song it was never given to sing

Brick by brick the walls go up

I get it, sort of. Preservation is the first instinct

Watch out for the boomerang

Same with you, too. Pat. Pat

Truth is whole. Truth is never sticky  

So find comfort in One. You are the One

Polish as you may, the stain will never disappear

The grime is only ankle deep, so stop drowning

Let them flee over the edge, into the sea

Pray that the days are short, pray that death is swift

Don’t shut your eyes for too long, you may also lose sight

Fear not. You are never alone

Shhh…rest.

Kinda Happier. Not Really

I felt excited the other day. An unfamiliar yet familiar feeling. Like, I actually smiled genuine.

It was for a new story idea. The thought of writing something grand. The challenge of it: it's gonna be a task. 

Unfortunately there aren't any coffee shops available to start the deliciously agonizing process of an outline. Only my desk at home. I'm bored just thinking about it. 

I will start (I'm nodding), for sure. This week. Surrounded by snacks and beverages. A movie, or two, maybe three, in the background, so when looking up from the blank sheet my eyes will not drop in despair. 

unrelated:

I sometimes venture to the mall for a bit of sad dreary excitement, and see people carrying bundles of new clothes. Hmmm, where in the world are they going to show them off... I spoke about this with a few friends, and they too are confused. They also have seen this in wonderment.    

I so want to be optimistic. But when you're informed, have been informed for many years, and begin to see the drawing of those informed words come to life, with what sounds like a threat, after threat, able to see parts of tomorrow moving quickly forward... I can only exhale, be silent, and look to God.

It's like what Lyn Lehaz said, or tried to say in so few words, actually, she couldn't find the words... Yeah, girl, I get it. I get it. You can't utter, out loud, what's in your spirit, because it's hard to face. Grief is never easy to express. 

For years I worked on and off in bookstore/s, and people would search for books about grief. To help them with words of encouragement for themselves or others. And watching, listening to Lyn, what she couldn't find words to describe is mostly due to grief. When my grief is that point, feels a bit bottomless, I can only ramble incoherent sounds to God, knowing that he will understand. And he does. 

Okay, back to writing.  

I will write the outline, and eventually the script. Just to do it. I will still encourage my friends, with every hope and dream they have, because I love them. My grief will not flood them.

oh snap. I said this one will be happier. Okay. The next one. Promise.  

My My Mire

Watching the water helps some. I'll sit with a book and pay no attention to the time. I can feel the sun bleed strong on the skin, and in a moment the burn is quenched by the cool air wafting off the lake. 

Like, I said. This helps, a little.

Looking beyond this moment to tomorrow, the pages are stark white. Not even a smudge or a line to tease me. There's nothing, and I can't fathom a thought. Like, kerosene, it only adds to the fire plaguing my mind. The thoughts and hopes of yesterday burn bright.  

I've been searching for solace, something tangible. In my search of familiarity, I've veered back to a time when I was more innocent. The possibilities -limitless. I never feared failure, not once, I only feared never trying, despite obstacles and impossibilities. The challenges only sweetened the reward.

I'm far from finding that innocent girl. 

Knowledge can bring a wealth of loneliness. Loneliness of thought and truth. It's a burden. It feels like a burden. I'm making efforts to look away, to set my eyes on frivolity and careless images. I need to do this for a time.

This post reads a bit sad, I know. It's not meant to be.   

Recently I heard droplets of what I initially feared for someone I think so well of. My senses became heightened when hearing and seeing the reality, and a sigh fell off my lips. It appeared unnatural. But I'm not the storyteller, only an observer. And I left the unsightly image for a time, but it has reappeared, and with it many strange and curious words of concern. And I don't have much brain capacity to dwell on rumors. But it was a concern before, and knowing the darkness of what could be, I asked God for confirmation, which I don't ask for often. 

I asked that if true that a bird would shit on my car. And when I went to drive today, I saw two very large splats of poo on the windshield. Coincidence? I dunno. I'm gonna ask again. Than again, it's not often that a bird shits on your car, let along twice and never so splatty.

Keep you vaguely posted on that one.

You see, if there's one thing I despise most, it's control. To have a hand on someone or something, all for selfish gain (this has many branches). One must exercise great wisdom when placing that kind of spell, and it is a spell. The backfire will never allow a peaceful nights rest. And without rest the body will decay from the inside out. And IT will come for its return (fill in the blank: wealth, health, kin), perhaps not today, but in good time.  

Yeah, this post is a bit grim. I will try to write a more frivolous one next. 

A Secret

It's taking a while to write this... weeks, maybe more. The info coming in keeps changing, but the end result is the same. I've also been incredibly grieved at where humanity is heading.


So, in January, the world watched Wuhan fall to its knees. I got this immediate check in my spirit that something irreversible was happening. Fingers started to blame, and they haven't stopped. What matters now, in my opinion, is the end game.  

I knew industries would be touched, but not to this level? No. And this tsunami doesn't look to be ending. 

We all woke to a new day that quickly turned twilight, our vision barely adjusting to the dark. And yet there, in the far distance, the faint gallop of A Death Rider strides, whispering its ill-gotten plan. Some were well-aware of its mission (exhale), but never to this. It's rather brilliant. 

That A WEE little cold/flu can decimate the entire globe. The ENTIRE globe. The entire GLOBE.

But we're safe, just stay inside. Save all the hugs for tomorrow. Be patient. What's another month? 

"Don't leave the house" the parrots squawk in a sick serenade. Some with guns drawn.    

This unquestioned obedience frightens me. Who exactly is calling the shots? I can't point to an exact target, and there are names swirling, but I doubt they are the sole culprit. No, I don't think we've seen their true faces yet.  

So what do "they" want? 

It's definitely not money, they have all the money they want. That digital push button is limitless. But your ability to make money, and survive? Oh yeah, they want that. Independence scares the shit out of them. 

You cannot control what does not need you. 

They want you to beg, eventually, for money, to live, to eat, to return to a "new 
normal". Whatever the f**k that means. Whoever came up with that should be shot. 

And we can only get back to this "new normal" with a global shot.  I know so many people that are waiting for it, pleading, oblivious to what it will rob from them. It's ironic.

And Bill Gates with his invisible handlers?

It's a bit too easy. That patents and plans are all on the table for the world to see. That people are incensed, demanding the head of BG on a stake. I'm right with them, too, but I'm also watching and listening. It's very "on the nose", isn't it? Too easy to point out. And this reaction of many is to be expected. 

Now, is there a vaccine? For sure. With a chip? Oh, yeah, we've been told that its in the pipe for some time. But from this man?

Now, this is just me. My thoughts:

With so much of the world informed of the chip, this DNA changing chip, where payment in crypto$$ will be allotted (cause cash will be gone, debts gone, currency gone), why/who would be daft enough to run to the head of the line, besides the stubbornly uninformed? No one. 

I think Gates is a well-crafted (puppet), a distraction, and will be easily tossed to the side. Until the true "thing", I don't know what to call it, yet, arrives. The world will be excited with open arms, delighted to be saved. Sooo many people want Gates dead, sooo many are fully aware of the chipping plan - it's no secret. And that's what bugs me.  

It's no secret. 

If the ultimate plandemic is about control, what better way than to believe that you caused the tide to turn. You brought Goliath down (us collectively). My fear is that the Goliath behind "Gates" will appear harmless, but will continue the plan forward, with our consent.  

keep you posted. 

The Love Crap

Forgive me if this post is everywhere. I'm purging.


Years ago I worked for this dating coach who also had and still does have a popular dating/advice channel on Youtube, mainly catering to teens. It was nice for a time, but I needed to move on. It had nothing to do with her, she was and still is lovely.

Anyway, upon assisting her with content for an upcoming post I viewed lots of dating man-woman advice channels, and was floored, and I'm still floored at all the CRAP out there. Mainly men advising women how women should behave:

How to best dress and be confident
How to be emotionally assertive
How they like and want to be touched

Do all this and you'll snag a man!

And don't even get me started on the "Does he like me" signs.

I think messages and advice like this, from men especially, murks up how women might view themselves, and how people view basic normal everyday interactions between men and women. I'll use men and women because this is who these videos are geared to: Women Seeking Men.

The ever faithful quote:

"Men overestimate interest and women underestimate interest" alone blurs so much of the insight and information out there.

I have a friend N. She's beautiful, laughs easy and can talk up just about anyone. I'm the same, to a point. She has a common everyday issue, which is the above mentioned. I also have been very misunderstood. 

You see, people are mostly different. We all try to follow a certain set of societal rules but pending what you saw, heard or were spoon-fed, and pending your own fears, insecurities, baggage and scars, it will never be a one-size fits all love connection. 

So, back to men giving advice to women on how to be a woman, and the over estimate interest thing; I reel, and I mean stupendously reel at what most women face daily. Ask them, women, if they have ever been treated unfairly, or been misread for simply being a kind, warm, friendly human being. 

Someone should inform men as well as the women they date:

Looking at you or in your direction does not secretly imply interest.
Touching my hair is not flirting. Women always touch their hair.
Laughing at something you said? Maybe you actually said something funny.
Touching your arm.... well, some people are just naturally touchy.
Asking you about your life? Making polite conversation is just information.

It's bothersome the number of times women will hold their man close, or the razor eyes that come your way just because your in direct eye line. Again, this is a very common occurrence for all women. 

And to all the man-babies out there with a dagger in their heart because a woman doesn't mirror your affection? It's frightening. 

So how do you know (for sure) if someone likes you? Because the examples I've given above are what most "relationship experts" will testify that "YES!!" they're interested. 

Honestly, the best and only way to know is to ask them out. Or did they ask you out? On a date. Not dutch. The man will and must pursue what they want. And if a man can't even cough up the words to ask a women out on a coffee date... well, that's another page of writing to go through.

Women want men that are pursuant. Men often pursue what they want. Even a shy guy will try to share a few words and geek out a smile. We smile at what interests us, right? Like can you hold back a smile after seeing a gorgeous car, or handbag?

And let's not forget asexuals and demisexuals. You probably know a handful of these people. You might even be crushing on one, or a few, and they will never know it.  

That's it.

Too Nice. Yeah.

I'm a bit too nice. It's the flaw in me. I try to see the good in people, catching red flags, until the ugly spills out. After the stink, I'm gone. 

A smile can cover up sooo much, right? But in time the true intention will show itself. It's exhausting to keep up a lie. That's another thing about me... I'm a terrible liar. 

I write fiction, lots of it. Dialogue after dialogue, word after word of many conjured truths, and it's all a lie that my imagination drums out. But my characters, they are true, or as true as I try to make them, as honest as I try to make them. I never judge them. I just allow them to be, and then they start telling me who they are and how they feel, and sometimes where they want to go next.   

side note:

It's been SUPER long since I've posted. Sometimes, most of the time, I don't wanna share what isn't worth sharing, like, nothing has moved me to share my inner thoughts. I've just been on this strange flatline. Not dead, but just semi-alive, which is worse than dead. 

Update: I've been working in film, on sets, meeting it all: the good, the terrible, and the straight up "get professional help, like, therapy. or maybe you need a long vacation...like, find who you are all over again."

I'm not sure how long I'm gonna stay in this department... it's taxing on varied levels. Thankfully my writing is going well, which is my saving grace, my sanity. It gets lonely when you're too exhausted to socialize and be human, which may explain why some people in this business are for lack of a better word: unhappy.

But I will share about this one person. Ouuuu, this person is a bully, cruddy and manipulative. I have to work with them for a few days, and it will be the last I ever agree to ever work with them again. You see, I hate LIARS. I just do. I make no room for them. I tried to see the good in this person, even spoke well of them, because until I've experienced what many have described, I try to not let the words of others become my truth. It's their truth, not mine. 

So, yeah. Now it's my truth, and I will share it with people who might benefit from my truth. Like I always say to my peers: sharing is caring.

And now the Up. I have met some awesome, good-hearted people in this business. Like, straight up decent. It's these people I hope to grow with, and see them become the person they hope to be in this "industry".

Until I have life figured out (sorry, pausing for a laugh), I will work. And I will write. It'll be cool. Awesome and amazing. 

Thanks for reading

XX