Truth is a funny thing, cause what may be true at one time may become something very different down the line.
Truth can sometimes be a lie.
I don't know what LA will bring this time around. I don't even know how I feel at the moment. Well, maybe I do know...I just don't want to turn the page. Some words from the past are coming to light. Words I never shared.
Tone speaks in waves, more than any amount of words. And I'm not here to justify truths/untruths. That's not the point for this vacation.
Truth-truth comes out in time. Always.
I need to focus on other things. Not untruths I have no control over.
**It's a constant battle. To know thyself. It never ends. Stretching aches the bones, leaving their mark. Scars and wounds need time to heal. Another layer of skin on top of another. Grace before pride. Grace before anger. More Grace needed. Much more** Paranoia swallows all rational. Gut screaming. Or is it a lie? That truth that will come out in time.**
In truth, people change. It's funny how people put one another in a box. They're comfortable with that box. You're safe in there. Figured out. No thinking required. Why change?
But people change.
Years pass on. If lucky, wisdom adds on. To know thyself better within the growing pains.
side note: I'm more comfortable with who I am now than 5 years ago. Shit makes better sense after time. I may come off bitchy, sure. I say what I mean. I don't sugarcoat anything. But I'm not hard...I think?
No apologies.
My family keeps pestering me about marriage. That I should be married. That it's time.
The gatekeepers of TIME have spoken. Lightening bolt thunders down.
What do you say other than the oh-so-obvious truth: Haven't met the person to trust my heart with.
That simple.
But you do want to get married, don't you? They ask, trying to figure out my answer before I've spoken.
Of course.
It's not that urgent for me, you see. Having kids is not that urgent. This world is a dang-crazy-place to live in. I'd be frightened to have children.
I'm not here to please.
No apologies.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Day 10 - Breaking
So many unrealized plans churned, but not. How do you plan what you can't see?
Been spending time with family. So much more family to visit. So very thankful for them. But time is ticking fast. I'm breaking goals here.
LA observations thus far: the men here are different from Toronto. They actually smile at you here. They don't cower and observe in minuscule glances, saying what they don't mean. Though I haven't met every man in Los Angeles.
It's refreshing.
Boldness is eye-catching.
hint: all women love boldness. it's how we weed out the boys from the men.
Right now, at this moment, I don't know what I want...it's early: 6:30 am
Sleep was bad, the bed too creaky.
hint: Ikea beds suck. Invest.
Not enough food in my belly. It's not my kitchen, my fridge - that's days away. Been eating out almost everyday. I don't know any healthy eats in Los Angeles where it won't break the bank - In and Out Burger X 3, people repeat with meaty enthusiasm. I just nod with smile.
Perhaps I'll eat it, love it, and live off it till I fly back. If I fly back. Friends and family are asking whether I want to stay. I have no idea. I don't even know what I want to eat for breakfast.
Been spending time with family. So much more family to visit. So very thankful for them. But time is ticking fast. I'm breaking goals here.
LA observations thus far: the men here are different from Toronto. They actually smile at you here. They don't cower and observe in minuscule glances, saying what they don't mean. Though I haven't met every man in Los Angeles.
It's refreshing.
Boldness is eye-catching.
hint: all women love boldness. it's how we weed out the boys from the men.
Right now, at this moment, I don't know what I want...it's early: 6:30 am
Sleep was bad, the bed too creaky.
hint: Ikea beds suck. Invest.
Not enough food in my belly. It's not my kitchen, my fridge - that's days away. Been eating out almost everyday. I don't know any healthy eats in Los Angeles where it won't break the bank - In and Out Burger X 3, people repeat with meaty enthusiasm. I just nod with smile.
Perhaps I'll eat it, love it, and live off it till I fly back. If I fly back. Friends and family are asking whether I want to stay. I have no idea. I don't even know what I want to eat for breakfast.
Stuffing
Because she only knew this life
because she was told this is real
this is how it works
she smiled and hoped for more
Your prince is waiting for you
he'll sweep you off your feet
dazzle you with a mirage
a money tree grows in his yard
Lunch with friends
charge it
sit by the pool with a drink
bask beneath a cloudless sky
To belong
to be envied
to want nothing
but everything
When the well runs dry
dewy grass now brittle
the line goes dead
it's easy to explain
The mirror does lie
don't stare too long
you'll begin to vanish
who the f*** is that?
Careful what you swallow
it stays with you
surfacing for all to whiff
Pride reeks
Your vision is sensitive
watch it
your heart is priceless
own it
nothing is worth diving off the cliff with all the rest
because she was told this is real
this is how it works
she smiled and hoped for more
Your prince is waiting for you
he'll sweep you off your feet
dazzle you with a mirage
a money tree grows in his yard
Lunch with friends
charge it
sit by the pool with a drink
bask beneath a cloudless sky
To belong
to be envied
to want nothing
but everything
When the well runs dry
dewy grass now brittle
the line goes dead
it's easy to explain
The mirror does lie
don't stare too long
you'll begin to vanish
who the f*** is that?
Careful what you swallow
it stays with you
surfacing for all to whiff
Pride reeks
Your vision is sensitive
watch it
your heart is priceless
own it
nothing is worth diving off the cliff with all the rest
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Day 2- Alive
I clapped when we landed. I was the only one.
So it wasn't an overseas flight. I'm alive!
It amazes me still. The infinite wonder of how this world came to be.
Just how small we truly are when admiring it from a bird's eye view - and I'm on a plane, not on some spacecraft where from then on it's a totally unexplainable perspective.
The plane ride - jet fast.
The woman beside me...I don't even want to start. I feel for her children.
********************************** Stepping off LAX **********
Lanky palm trees.
A soft, comforting visual to hold still on. I missed them. It still smells the same. The sky hovering a crisp blue.
I'm so thankful for family.
There's the family where you could see them often and they feel like strangers, and family where you see them not often enough and it's safe and cozy from the instant you embrace with a hello.
That's my family in LA.
Lots of Latinos in K-Town. I may go for a walk in a short while, though I don't know what's open on the 4th of July.
Guess they're will be new people to meet. It's only Day 1.
No. Today is Day 2.
LA time: 8:08am
So it wasn't an overseas flight. I'm alive!
It amazes me still. The infinite wonder of how this world came to be.
Just how small we truly are when admiring it from a bird's eye view - and I'm on a plane, not on some spacecraft where from then on it's a totally unexplainable perspective.
The plane ride - jet fast.
The woman beside me...I don't even want to start. I feel for her children.
********************************** Stepping off LAX **********
Lanky palm trees.
A soft, comforting visual to hold still on. I missed them. It still smells the same. The sky hovering a crisp blue.
I'm so thankful for family.
There's the family where you could see them often and they feel like strangers, and family where you see them not often enough and it's safe and cozy from the instant you embrace with a hello.
That's my family in LA.
Lots of Latinos in K-Town. I may go for a walk in a short while, though I don't know what's open on the 4th of July.
Guess they're will be new people to meet. It's only Day 1.
No. Today is Day 2.
LA time: 8:08am
Thursday, June 14, 2012
You Lose
Nice people finish very f**king last.
Maybe I have life all wrong. This could explain so much. Questions that have burned for years - the smoke still waiting to be snuffed out.
I was that good kid. Never liked when anyone was treated unfairly, unkindly or teased like a rabid animal.
side note: I'm sorry D.Kenny when my friends and I caged you between the wall and a hockey net, kicking you with eight pointy shoes. I still regret that to this day. Though I do recall it was for some kind of payback. But I still feel bad I contributed.
But this niceness can sometimes feel like a curse. It's like this giant sign other people can see that you do not that reads "SUCKA". That's the plight of nice people. Other crappy people use it for their messed up, selfish as hell advantage.
When will truth rear its face to hold a mirror to those that tread on others without care.
Mindless a**holes. Talking s**t. Spewing s**t. Eating s**t. It must feel damn awesome to be you . Looking in the mirror - what the heck do you see? I'm curious.
See. I'm not one to defend myself when the lies start to pour down like a hail storm (happens to kind people). I don't play games and refuse to acknowledge crap. I walk away and allow fate/God/life to choose that precise moment for you.
I'm only in your face if you talk crap about a friend and I'm there to hear it. Then it's just you and me. And it don't matter, 5 feet - 6 feet - 10 feet tall - We're going to exchange words.
But back to being kind.
Yeah. It's a raw deal to be kind. It's in me though, like this natural breathing thing. But I'm considering shelving it for a while, just to see. Maybe I'll sleep on it. The morning may change this not so kind feeling.
And honesty is up there with being kind. Like twins, they travel conjoined. Sucks when people mistake a kind remark for something else. I just say what I mean without agenda. I lose nothing sharing compliments and encouragement.
I don't need you that way.
Maybe I have life all wrong. This could explain so much. Questions that have burned for years - the smoke still waiting to be snuffed out.
I was that good kid. Never liked when anyone was treated unfairly, unkindly or teased like a rabid animal.
side note: I'm sorry D.Kenny when my friends and I caged you between the wall and a hockey net, kicking you with eight pointy shoes. I still regret that to this day. Though I do recall it was for some kind of payback. But I still feel bad I contributed.
But this niceness can sometimes feel like a curse. It's like this giant sign other people can see that you do not that reads "SUCKA". That's the plight of nice people. Other crappy people use it for their messed up, selfish as hell advantage.
When will truth rear its face to hold a mirror to those that tread on others without care.
Mindless a**holes. Talking s**t. Spewing s**t. Eating s**t. It must feel damn awesome to be you . Looking in the mirror - what the heck do you see? I'm curious.
See. I'm not one to defend myself when the lies start to pour down like a hail storm (happens to kind people). I don't play games and refuse to acknowledge crap. I walk away and allow fate/God/life to choose that precise moment for you.
I'm only in your face if you talk crap about a friend and I'm there to hear it. Then it's just you and me. And it don't matter, 5 feet - 6 feet - 10 feet tall - We're going to exchange words.
But back to being kind.
Yeah. It's a raw deal to be kind. It's in me though, like this natural breathing thing. But I'm considering shelving it for a while, just to see. Maybe I'll sleep on it. The morning may change this not so kind feeling.
And honesty is up there with being kind. Like twins, they travel conjoined. Sucks when people mistake a kind remark for something else. I just say what I mean without agenda. I lose nothing sharing compliments and encouragement.
I don't need you that way.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
in the 90s
the dense halls rammed with hormones. everyone knows everyone. there's no place to hide.
you nestle into a flock, safe, but for how long? people are people, and these people still have yet to figure out who they are. some may never get there, trapped in a helpless wonder, never realizing the truth is easy to find when you welcome the comfort of silence.
the bell rings loud. legs run, jump, walk and panic through a sea of nameless faces. they all blur into one when you don't know a soul. they can also appear angry when you don't have a friend.
the person standing at the head of the room commands respect, but do they deserve it? so few are remembered, and many have forgotten the reason they signed up for such a ride. a sicker few get caught in a fantasy - then come the bars.
but it's a jungle, an amazon of people gathered in tribes, roaring in tribes, devoured by tribes. power and beauty stand out, held high on man-made pedestals. but it never lasts.
jocks, goths, preps, geeks, metal-heads, mods, pretty girls, studs, fobs, outcasts - they all have a place, and they know it. a small city crammed for hours and days, commanded to get along and live peaceably. dream on.
but the music rocked on - Lollapalooza screams to the masses - Mosh pits rule.
that's it, for now--
you nestle into a flock, safe, but for how long? people are people, and these people still have yet to figure out who they are. some may never get there, trapped in a helpless wonder, never realizing the truth is easy to find when you welcome the comfort of silence.
the bell rings loud. legs run, jump, walk and panic through a sea of nameless faces. they all blur into one when you don't know a soul. they can also appear angry when you don't have a friend.
the person standing at the head of the room commands respect, but do they deserve it? so few are remembered, and many have forgotten the reason they signed up for such a ride. a sicker few get caught in a fantasy - then come the bars.
but it's a jungle, an amazon of people gathered in tribes, roaring in tribes, devoured by tribes. power and beauty stand out, held high on man-made pedestals. but it never lasts.
jocks, goths, preps, geeks, metal-heads, mods, pretty girls, studs, fobs, outcasts - they all have a place, and they know it. a small city crammed for hours and days, commanded to get along and live peaceably. dream on.
but the music rocked on - Lollapalooza screams to the masses - Mosh pits rule.
that's it, for now--
Thursday, March 22, 2012
pt 2 The Small Door
Watching the door slam behind her, Alice looks to her feet where a path begins. It ends down a narrow stretch to a darkly wooded forest gate. The beastly roar of snarling and snapping wild animals sound, they beckon her to come join them.
"Alice...this way," clouded whispers twirl and dance by her side.
Suddenly, the ground beneath her quakes, rippling like a wave. She surfs above the gravel, then rolls forward before coming to a stop. Standing to her feet, she dusts off her dress.
"Come my child, this way," a soft voice calls from within the forest.
"Me?" she points to herself, looking over her shoulder for another.
She then notices that the door she entered from has vanished and everything else with it. The backs of her feet are standing a hairline away from endless drop into nothing. Alice shrieks, losing her balance. She falls backwards.
Arms flailing, she tries to grab hold of anything, but there's nothing. The rushing wind
screams in and around her ears as she quickly descends. She watches, horrified, as her tresses get knotted and released, braided then let loose. They even play a round of double-dutch with the wind.
"Someone, please, help me! Please!" her plead soars up with equal speed from which she falls.
Alice searches for the ground, anything. Anything to stop this frightening drop. Suddenly, her shoulders lift and she's carried upwards. A multitude of brightly coloured swallows bring her up to the surface, placing her in the exact spot before the fall. The birds sing sweetly flying back into the dim forest.
Alice catches her breath, she grips the solid ground, fingertips shaking. She looks to the drop behind her, then to the unknown in front of her. Standing to her feet she motions forward. The wooded gates part erupting the baleful echoes of the forest. Alice swallows dry and steps in.
"Alice...this way," clouded whispers twirl and dance by her side.
Suddenly, the ground beneath her quakes, rippling like a wave. She surfs above the gravel, then rolls forward before coming to a stop. Standing to her feet, she dusts off her dress.
"Come my child, this way," a soft voice calls from within the forest.
"Me?" she points to herself, looking over her shoulder for another.
She then notices that the door she entered from has vanished and everything else with it. The backs of her feet are standing a hairline away from endless drop into nothing. Alice shrieks, losing her balance. She falls backwards.
Arms flailing, she tries to grab hold of anything, but there's nothing. The rushing wind
screams in and around her ears as she quickly descends. She watches, horrified, as her tresses get knotted and released, braided then let loose. They even play a round of double-dutch with the wind.
"Someone, please, help me! Please!" her plead soars up with equal speed from which she falls.
Alice searches for the ground, anything. Anything to stop this frightening drop. Suddenly, her shoulders lift and she's carried upwards. A multitude of brightly coloured swallows bring her up to the surface, placing her in the exact spot before the fall. The birds sing sweetly flying back into the dim forest.
Alice catches her breath, she grips the solid ground, fingertips shaking. She looks to the drop behind her, then to the unknown in front of her. Standing to her feet she motions forward. The wooded gates part erupting the baleful echoes of the forest. Alice swallows dry and steps in.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Me First
Everything comes at a price. Right?
The pavement hasn't changed, but the people walking on it has. Tunnel vision alley, but that's okay - It's all about me, baby!
I cried today cause it's getting harder to see this life with human eyes. There's pain everywhere - it doesn't matter what's in the bank, what you have, who you are or who the world says you are --
Shhh... The question period has ended.
The constant buzz keeps us numb - buzz from whatever helps distract from reality. The cold hard truth. What matters. What money can't buy. That one day we all have something to account for.
The mirror is an opposite reality of what is - the other side of us that only we (the sole watcher) knows.
Motives bleed in time. The truth behind a smile, a word...sometimes friendship. I have friends in their 80s. I'm so thankful for them. I wouldn't know true kindness without such people - I would probably grit my teeth believing that the world is truly unkind and full of greed, which much of it is. I hate that cold, hard fact.
Me first. You last. Me now. You never. Me-me. Who are you?
The pavement hasn't changed, but the people walking on it has. Tunnel vision alley, but that's okay - It's all about me, baby!
I cried today cause it's getting harder to see this life with human eyes. There's pain everywhere - it doesn't matter what's in the bank, what you have, who you are or who the world says you are --
Shhh... The question period has ended.
The constant buzz keeps us numb - buzz from whatever helps distract from reality. The cold hard truth. What matters. What money can't buy. That one day we all have something to account for.
The mirror is an opposite reality of what is - the other side of us that only we (the sole watcher) knows.
Motives bleed in time. The truth behind a smile, a word...sometimes friendship. I have friends in their 80s. I'm so thankful for them. I wouldn't know true kindness without such people - I would probably grit my teeth believing that the world is truly unkind and full of greed, which much of it is. I hate that cold, hard fact.
Me first. You last. Me now. You never. Me-me. Who are you?
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Wandering-Wondering
Because in this life, it's all supposed to make sense.
There are no mistakes.
There aren't people that will use you for their gain.
And good will always prevail.
The path is never too long when it leads to love.
But how do you know the love is right?
Sometimes love isn't right.
Sometimes love needs to lie down and die.
Words are good when strung properly.
Kind words Rock; Loving words Rule; "I'm sorry" goes a long way.
A wise teacher will teach how to speak properly.
The root of a spoken word is planted in the heart.
Things, waste, stuff...means very little when measured on a scale.
A good heart is priceless - forgiveness is priceless too.
Greed and fear will choke a heart to stop beating.
Better to take a deep breath first, all the time.
** In weeks time I will take a deep breath. In weeks time I will have to find the right words. I will likely have to forgive and move on. Cause life rarely writes mistakes, the only mistake is to disregard and not learn. But one thing I know for sure...Good does prevail. Always.
There are no mistakes.
There aren't people that will use you for their gain.
And good will always prevail.
The path is never too long when it leads to love.
But how do you know the love is right?
Sometimes love isn't right.
Sometimes love needs to lie down and die.
Words are good when strung properly.
Kind words Rock; Loving words Rule; "I'm sorry" goes a long way.
A wise teacher will teach how to speak properly.
The root of a spoken word is planted in the heart.
Things, waste, stuff...means very little when measured on a scale.
A good heart is priceless - forgiveness is priceless too.
Greed and fear will choke a heart to stop beating.
Better to take a deep breath first, all the time.
** In weeks time I will take a deep breath. In weeks time I will have to find the right words. I will likely have to forgive and move on. Cause life rarely writes mistakes, the only mistake is to disregard and not learn. But one thing I know for sure...Good does prevail. Always.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Women Don't
Hey boy. Your pants are on fire. The wolf has run out of its cave. It races for the den of sweetened lambs. Footprints on fire.
Drop those sugary words. Sell it. Sell yourself. Hot stuff. You, Man of buttery steel.
I see through you. I do. Many do. Pooh on you. Be careful, someone's watching.
Enlighten me with honesty. If you dare. Take the high road, if your muscles can take the climb. Oh, by the way, you're knees are shaking.
Girls scare easy. Women don't.
Go on. Chase those skirts. Embrace deep conversations about Jimmy Choo shoes and Jersey Whores.
eeny, meeny, miney, moe -- I hate games.
As my friend Natalie says, "I cross you out!"
Drop those sugary words. Sell it. Sell yourself. Hot stuff. You, Man of buttery steel.
I see through you. I do. Many do. Pooh on you. Be careful, someone's watching.
Enlighten me with honesty. If you dare. Take the high road, if your muscles can take the climb. Oh, by the way, you're knees are shaking.
Girls scare easy. Women don't.
Go on. Chase those skirts. Embrace deep conversations about Jimmy Choo shoes and Jersey Whores.
eeny, meeny, miney, moe -- I hate games.
As my friend Natalie says, "I cross you out!"
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