Day 26 - Flabby Fibs

Toronto is a city where almost anything goes. Tall, small, thick, thin, rockers, hipsters, what have you.

Perhaps the same is true in LA. Perhaps: The land of lanky palm trees.

But are people (women) expected to follow a certain unattainable standard without some form of sacrifice. Food being such a sacrifice.

I'm not a size two. I range between a size 4-7 pending the label. But even within such limits, eyebrows (in LA) cock to the sky. Yeah, my ass is J-Lo'ish, which makes finding jeans a challenge. Many cuts are geared towards pre-pubescent boys.

In the 90s, the standard Supermodel size was 6. My how we've botched the size curve.

In LA people sneer, even putting down their own kin. Even putting down themselves while swimming in their size 4 frame.

"Too fat. Too thick. She'll never find anyone. Who would marry her? Who would marry me?"

I'm not used to such talk.

Where did such truths begin? It's a BIG FAT LIE!!!

The quality of a person has little to do with the measure of their waistline. A waste of truth sold to the flabby size 4, sick to the stomach, an empty stomach, wishing to be double 00.

My parents could have remained in LA, back when I was a wee palm tree in the making. But they opted for Canada - Land of the free to think and be whatever the heck you want without someone pushing a size standard down your throat.

Thank goodness for that.

I could've been like so many, weighted beneath the shame of curves and having a booty women pay/pray for.

There's this messed up show, a mirror-mimic of Jersey Shore. Instead of Italians, it's Koreans. I can't tell you how many Koreans are reeling. Many refuse to give it attention.

It's only avail on Youtube.

So, in Ep. 2, there's this lame, drink tossing, fight between two girls. Two thin girls. Thin girl #1, a double 00, says to Thin girl #2, "Why are you fat? Asian girls are supposed to be thin/skinny" something crazy like that.

So breeds the flabby insanity.

Day 23 - Tunnel Vision

There's a lens that follows you all your life. Sometimes you're not awake to see it. But you can feel it - on your back, neck and shoulders. Burrowing away.

A road less paved, covered in thorns, rocks and cracks, firms up the sole (soul). The lens grows wider.

The lens of others should have no bearing. No sight for you to see. It's none of your business what they see. To never be guided by the blind. Let them walk and see whatever they wish - just never justify yourself, especially to people who refuse to see anything else.

But it's easier said then done. That's the tuff part. You can't stride on a rocky road. You're more likely to climb.

Best to dust of the feet with every step. Dust off the weight from sleepy eyes. Dull eyes. Eyes that have no vision at all.

Again, it's hard to ignore those eyes. They're freakin' everywhere. Words may not speak, but the eyes say plenty.

Some eyes speak more than others.

I'm growing tired of a few eyes.

Movin' on.

Day 20 - Just "nice".

Someone said "he's a nice guy". I replied, "oh, good. I like nice people."

Maddening me
Sits in a tree
Wants to be
Someplace else

I can do a bad ramble when bored. When confused even. It's either that or I become silent. To steer conversation away from the dull rub.

I can't bear a quiet table. I'll fill it. Even if I'm unimpressed. I'm Canadian. We're polite that way. Especially when circumstances make it so leaving, questioning, being a down right b**h is not an option.

So I met a fellow writer. I love meeting writers who enjoy the craft. I feel less alone and afraid of the big bad world when I know someone else feels the same way I do about the process. How freakin' awful it can be sometimes. How incredibly lonely it can be. How shameful it can be, to be in the endless stage of never feeling like you're getting ahead while all your friends are living a "normal" life filled with kids, in-laws, mortgages and a 9-5 job that brings an acceptable level of contentment.

He spoke. In a manner that I wasn't sure if he was mocking me or if he just spoke that way. You can only assess that when seeing him speak to others. He kept using my name in sentences when asking questions, ie: "So, Betty-Boop, why did you decide to do that?"

I thought nothing of it the first time, but by the third time he used it he was clearly giving me the hint that he doesn't engage with women often. 

Side note: I always retain jewels of wisdom that my friends drop. Like this guy Mark I knew long back. He lived by a code: Never reveal more than you have to, especially when it has to do with your life.

Mark was huge into conspiracies which made our conversations so much fun.

I always keep Mark's wisdom for life in mind. He's very smart, Cute Mark. But yesterday I was off the Mark.

Like I said. I was kinda bored, not getting a clear picture of the person sitting in front of me. Bored.

But that was yesterday. Today is 4:05am. Los Angeles time.

And in this town where people say they know people, cause that's just the ramble people gamble in day-to-day talk. I'll eventually find a soul that speaks truth, writes, is comfortably human, and more than just "nice".

Day 14 - No Aplogies

Truth is a funny thing, cause what may be true at one time may become something very different down the line.

Truth can sometimes be a lie.

I don't know what LA will bring this time around. I don't even know how I feel at the moment. Well, maybe I do know...I just don't want to turn the page. Some words from the past are coming to light. Words I never shared.

Tone speaks in waves, more than any amount of words. And I'm not here to justify truths/untruths. That's not the point for this vacation.

Truth-truth comes out in time. Always.

I need to focus on other things. Not untruths I have no control over.

**It's a constant battle. To know thyself. It never ends. Stretching aches the bones, leaving their mark. Scars and wounds need time to heal. Another layer of skin on top of another. Grace before pride. Grace before anger. More Grace needed. Much more** Paranoia swallows all rational. Gut screaming. Or is it a lie? That truth that will come out in time.**

In truth, people change. It's funny how people put one another in a box. They're comfortable with that box. You're safe in there. Figured out. No thinking required. Why change?

But people change.

Years pass on. If lucky, wisdom adds on. To know thyself better within the growing pains. 

side note: I'm more comfortable with who I am now than 5 years ago. Shit makes better sense after time. I may come off bitchy, sure. I say what I mean. I don't sugarcoat anything. But I'm not hard...I think? 

No apologies.

My family keeps pestering me about marriage. That I should be married. That it's time.

The gatekeepers of TIME have spoken. Lightening bolt thunders down.

What do you say other than the oh-so-obvious truth: Haven't met the person to trust my heart with.

That simple.

But you do want to get married, don't you?  They ask, trying to figure out my answer before I've spoken.

Of course.

It's not that urgent for me, you see. Having kids is not that urgent. This world is a dang-crazy-place to live in. I'd be frightened to have children.

I'm not here to please.

No apologies.

Day 10 - Breaking

So many unrealized plans churned, but not. How do you plan what you can't see?

Been spending time with family. So much more family to visit. So very thankful for them. But time is ticking fast. I'm breaking goals here.

LA observations thus far: the men here are different from Toronto. They actually smile at you here. They don't cower and observe in minuscule glances, saying what they don't mean. Though I haven't met every man in Los Angeles.

It's refreshing.

Boldness is eye-catching.

hint: all women love boldness. it's how we weed out the boys from the men.

Right now, at this moment, I don't know what I want...it's early: 6:30 am

Sleep was bad, the bed too creaky.

hint: Ikea beds suck. Invest.

Not enough food in my belly. It's not my kitchen, my fridge - that's days away. Been eating out almost everyday. I don't know any healthy eats in Los Angeles where it won't break the bank - In and Out Burger X 3, people repeat with meaty enthusiasm. I just nod with smile.

Perhaps I'll eat it, love it, and live off it till I fly back. If I fly back. Friends and family are asking whether I want to stay. I have no idea. I don't even know what I want to eat for breakfast.

Stuffing

Because she only knew this life
because she was told this is real
this is how it works
she smiled and hoped for more

Your prince is waiting for you
he'll sweep you off your feet
dazzle you with a mirage
a money tree grows in his yard

Lunch with friends
charge it
sit by the pool with a drink
bask beneath a cloudless sky

To belong
to be envied
to want nothing
but everything

When the well runs dry
dewy grass now brittle  
the line goes dead
it's easy to explain

The mirror does lie
don't stare too long
you'll begin to vanish
who the f*** is that?

Careful what you swallow
it stays with you
surfacing for all to whiff
Pride reeks

Your vision is sensitive
watch it
your heart is priceless
own it

nothing is worth diving off the cliff with all the rest

Day 2- Alive

I clapped when we landed.  I was the only one.

So it wasn't an overseas flight. I'm alive!

It amazes me still. The infinite wonder of how this world came to be.

Just how small we truly are when admiring it from a bird's eye view - and I'm on a plane, not on some spacecraft where from then on it's a totally unexplainable perspective.

The plane ride - jet fast.

The woman beside me...I don't even want to start. I feel for her children.

**********************************    Stepping off LAX     **********

Lanky palm trees.

A soft, comforting visual to hold still on. I missed them. It still smells the same. The sky hovering a crisp blue.

I'm so thankful for family.

There's the family where you could see them often and they feel like strangers, and family where you see them not often enough and it's safe and cozy from the instant you embrace with a hello.

That's my family in LA.

Lots of Latinos in K-Town. I may go for a walk in a short while, though I don't know what's open on the 4th of July.

Guess they're will be new people to meet. It's only Day 1.

No. Today is Day 2.

LA time: 8:08am

You Lose

Nice people finish very f**king last.

Maybe I have life all wrong. This could explain so much. Questions that have burned for years - the smoke still waiting to be snuffed out.

I was that good kid. Never liked when anyone was treated unfairly, unkindly or teased like a rabid animal.

side note: I'm sorry D.Kenny when my friends and I caged you between the wall and a hockey net, kicking you with eight pointy shoes. I still regret that to this day. Though I do recall it was for some kind of payback. But I still feel bad I contributed. 

But this niceness can sometimes feel like a curse. It's like this giant sign other people can see that you do not that reads "SUCKA". That's the plight of nice people. Other crappy people use it for their messed up, selfish as hell advantage.

When will truth rear its face to hold a mirror to those that tread on others without care.

Mindless a**holes. Talking s**t. Spewing s**t. Eating s**t. It must feel damn awesome to be you . Looking in the mirror - what the heck do you see? I'm curious.

See. I'm not one to defend myself when the lies start to pour down like a hail storm (happens to kind people). I don't play games and refuse to acknowledge crap. I walk away and allow fate/God/life to choose that precise moment for you.

I'm only in your face if you talk crap about a friend and I'm there to hear it. Then it's just you and me. And it don't matter, 5 feet - 6 feet - 10 feet tall - We're going to exchange words.

But back to being kind.

Yeah. It's a raw deal to be kind. It's in me though, like this natural breathing thing. But I'm considering shelving it for a while, just to see. Maybe I'll sleep on it. The morning may change this not so kind feeling.

And honesty is up there with being kind. Like twins, they travel conjoined. Sucks when people mistake a kind remark for something else. I just say what I mean without agenda. I lose nothing sharing compliments and encouragement.

I don't need you that way.

in the 90s

the dense halls rammed with hormones. everyone knows everyone. there's no place to hide.

you nestle into a flock, safe, but for how long? people are people, and these people still have yet to figure out who they are. some may never get there, trapped in a helpless wonder, never realizing the truth is easy to find when you welcome the comfort of silence.

the bell rings loud. legs run, jump, walk and panic through a sea of nameless faces. they all blur into one when you don't know a soul. they can also appear angry when you don't have a friend.

the person standing at the head of the room commands respect, but do they deserve it? so few are remembered, and many have forgotten the reason they signed up for such a ride. a sicker few get caught in a fantasy - then come the bars. 

but it's a jungle, an amazon of people gathered in tribes, roaring in tribes, devoured by tribes. power and beauty stand out, held high on man-made pedestals. but it never lasts.

jocks, goths, preps, geeks, metal-heads, mods, pretty girls, studs, fobs, outcasts - they all have a place, and they know it. a small city crammed for hours and days, commanded to get along and live peaceably. dream on.

but the music rocked on - Lollapalooza screams to the masses - Mosh pits rule.



that's it, for now--

pt 2 The Small Door

Watching the door slam behind her, Alice looks to her feet where a path begins. It ends down a narrow stretch to a darkly wooded forest gate. The beastly roar of snarling and snapping wild animals sound, they beckon her to come join them.

"Alice...this way," clouded whispers twirl and dance by her side.

Suddenly, the ground beneath her quakes, rippling like a wave. She surfs above the gravel, then rolls forward before coming to a stop. Standing to her feet, she dusts off her dress. 

"Come my child, this way," a soft voice calls from within the forest.

"Me?" she points to herself, looking over her shoulder for another.

She then notices that the door she entered from has vanished and everything else with it. The backs of her feet are standing a hairline away from endless drop into nothing. Alice shrieks, losing her balance. She falls backwards.

Arms flailing, she tries to grab hold of anything, but there's nothing. The rushing wind
screams in and around her ears as she quickly descends. She watches, horrified, as her tresses get knotted and released, braided then let loose. They even play a round of double-dutch with the wind.

"Someone, please, help me! Please!" her plead soars up with equal speed from which she falls. 

Alice searches for the ground, anything. Anything to stop this frightening drop. Suddenly, her shoulders lift and she's carried upwards. A multitude of brightly coloured swallows bring her up to the surface, placing her in the exact spot before the fall. The birds sing sweetly flying back into the dim forest.

Alice catches her breath, she grips the solid ground, fingertips shaking. She looks to the drop behind her, then to the unknown in front of her. Standing to her feet she motions forward. The wooded gates part erupting the baleful echoes of the forest. Alice swallows dry and steps in.