Ok, it's been a freak long time, 

I've been writing, which I love. It was like a handbag that got lost, somewhere, and most of my favourite things went missing with it. I was just wandering like a fully-sighted zombie, unaware of what misery feels like - that asleep, or too exhausted to want more...no, I always wanted more, just didn't pencil it in.

I'm at this crossroads, it's a bit painful. I have to choose the death of something. It's like losing a body part, and the stench of this rotting corpse is hard to deny.

I get that there's evil in this world. That greed only breeds victims, but who (me) could ever fathom how far deep the roots of greed can travel. And evil is very common now, it's everywhere, it even entertains us, heck, it was my fav genre to write about. But then there's an evil most will never witness, and I hope (naively) our world wants better, which will take man to stand firm. 

The distraction/s can easily take us away, to look elsewhere, to the bullseye, when the truth is beyond the frame. I know that people are mainly good. Most only want simple things in life: a family, a safe place to live, food, shelter, a few trusted comrades. But even that is getting scarce. This world feels very fragile these days, especially when you look beyond your footprint. We walk, most all of us do, and it's easy to not see the person beside us. The rush can be blinding.

We're in the 2nd quarter of this year, and it seems normal, doesn't it? We're still moving about, sleeping, waking up, going to work/not, shopping, turning on the news or social media. Everything appears ok. 

I tweeted years ago about A.I. I also tweeted about UBI (so much hate w that one). I also also tweeted about Alien Invasion of some kind. The Alien Invasion might be interesting. That will be a completely different US vs THEM situation. 

Chin up. 

Almost Everyday

  Pups are interesting. It's flattering yet mortifying when a pup sniffs about. You want to be assuring as to not inflict any damage to developing egos, at least I try to. Some pups are more awkward than others, a few are shy, and most are just trying to figure out their game. It's cute.

The other day there was this 10 year old (looked around 10) with his parents walking in the intimates department. He smiled sweetly at me, lowered his head, then fixed his hair and smiled again. It was adorable. I shared about it with a peer. It's sweet, the before pup stage. She shared about a boy caressing a mannequins leg and how his father quickly stopped the hand from moving higher. We laughed, its all so innocent. 

The actions of grown men are different. Married men especially. There's a discernable difference when the gaze shifts, an energy shift. Nothing can disguise that, words clothe nothing. When this occurs one usually takes a few steps back (I do) and withdraw. I'm just sharing this because its always awkward when it happens. I don't enjoy the feeling. 

A few months back I came upon a "red pill" community of men. I had never heard of this, I even asked a few male peers if they were aware of such a group or term. None had heard of such a thing. It's funny what people hold onto to maintain a sense of security and self-satisfaction. The foundation that people choose to stand on reveals much about the road/journey before them. Perhaps life comes in three lanes: selfish, kinda giving, and completely unaware. 

Red Pill: Mostly selfish

Normal People: kinda giving

Stunted or Still Growing: completely unaware        

Red Pillers need to be the main attraction, very choice driven, finicky about their world/frame. It makes them stand taller when others appear smaller, and the women must be in their prime and comfortably submissive. At least this is what appears to be their world. They also consider themselves to be alpha. 

Normal people are just regular. Their needs are based on what's available, what they're able to attain, and they generally are fair and give what they can. These people are everywhere. They don't need the fastest car, the hottest mate nor the thickest wallet to feel 70% secure. Sure they want more, but who doesn't want more.

Stunted/Still growing are just as many as the normies. We've all had trauma that leave scars, and wounds we don't realize need TLC. I think we get stunted to the age when the trauma created the most impact, like an earthquake mussing up the foundation, the very roots of who we are changed forever. Normal people are most probably mixed into this group. It's not simple nor easy to brush off a past that never felt safe. 

Ok. back to pups. 

Don't want one. Who wants to raise a pup. I'm not interested in making a man, like, how boring would that be. I used to know women that got excited in such projects and their men very willing. I still scratch my head with that one.

Yeah, these are merely fun to think about. 

Today, for now

 It was nice to be out last night, I nearly forgot the feeling of being in a crowd, how quickly it all returns - yesterday. The Batman was fun to watch, heck, even the near-sighted chair kicker didn't ruin it. Exhale. 

You know that breath, the one conjoined with uncertainty. 

Has it been close to a year since my last post? Probably. Has anything changed? Some, some life-changing bits, but I'm mostly rocked by boredom.

It's so fucking hard to plan, to see beyond a few months, to invest in anything. The anvils keep dropping, some more imaginary than others, others very real, but all in all their path is met with an intended target. 

My work has slowed, so I'm looking to knock knock, but not at the expense of wasting my or someone else's time. I hate wasting time, though I can ace that by watching/listening to podcasts about the silent happenings of out there. So silent that its screams are a kin to a whisper.  

So...CBDC. It's terrifying, yet perfect to seal people into submission, a slow, perhaps quick transition. When following in alignment what could be so wrong, but a misstep might break the spell. I hate that people are camped on this/that side, swayed by the "authorities" doling out stipulations to live/breathe/think. Trust is earned, never to be just handed over. And fear is a beast with many hooks and binds, and only we have the rule to decide how far it reaches us. I hate fear.

Huh, look at the time, must run some errands. Maybe I'll write again. Something more happy.

unrelated note: someone close to me accused me of desiring something that belongs to them. i don't think our relationship will ever be the same. i'm still in shock, i never thought it would ever go there. does time heal all wounds...

***

Catch Up

Not written in days, don't ask how many. I hate math.

Right now it's 853pm and I'm listening to Mazzy Star. For those who don't know Mazzy, I feel kinda bad. Mazzy came out when the world was still great, sure it had problems, what decade hasn't. But it was never this level of fucked up.

Right now, the window is open and a refreshing breeze is cooling the room. The nice kinda cool that reminds you that you're alive. Like, when you drive with the windows open at night, the air rushes in the car, passed your skin...you know. Yeah, you know it. It feels great. 

Question: 

When did we (as people) become this unglued, hyper-sensitive, hateful bunch. Not all of us, but a good fucking handful. We all know at least one. 

Of course I'm not talking about you. 

But a thread did get pulled, a long-ass thread. I think it started, like, cosmically, in the unseen realm, around 2009...give or take a year. At least that's when I noticed, even commercially, the darkness creeping towards the dawn. 

Thank goodness fast fashion is dying. 

I've avoided words, I have. For months and months and months. And I love words. It physically pained me, bruised me, and rotted me in this way. I almost resented it/them. Why? Because I had nothing to write, nothing to say about tomorrow. I'm trying to change that with these two blog posts.  

Am I all over the place? Maybe. I don't care. 

My life, as of late, has been a numb yet emotional ride. Pain doesn't quantify. The knife, the pokes, the blood; the endless seconds hatching more babies. Thankfully each minute is better than the last. And I refuse defeat. 

It's so quiet. Is it quiet on your end? Like the telephone line has snapped. I was thinking maybe God wants me to spend more time with him...but I've not reached out to him as much, or anyone. When in pain, solace is all you can bare. Zero emotions, maybe just anger. 

When you're sliced from hip to hip, stitched up like a Thanksgiving turkey, you become sharply aware how vital the mid-section is. Laugh, cough, sneeze, rise from the bed - it's a whole new world of hurt. Thankfully I can laugh again. 

Be thankful. Hate less. Love way more. Fear not. Fear not. Fear not.  

In (Almost) Everything

 

The canary sings a song it was never given to sing

Brick by brick the walls go up

I get it, sort of. Preservation is the first instinct

Watch out for the boomerang

Same with you, too. Pat. Pat

Truth is whole. Truth is never sticky  

So find comfort in One. You are the One

Polish as you may, the stain will never disappear

The grime is only ankle deep, so stop drowning

Let them flee over the edge, into the sea

Pray that the days are short, pray that death is swift

Don’t shut your eyes for too long, you may also lose sight

Fear not. You are never alone

Shhh…rest.

Kinda Happier. Not Really

I felt excited the other day. An unfamiliar yet familiar feeling. Like, I actually smiled genuine.

It was for a new story idea. The thought of writing something grand. The challenge of it: it's gonna be a task. 

Unfortunately there aren't any coffee shops available to start the deliciously agonizing process of an outline. Only my desk at home. I'm bored just thinking about it. 

I will start (I'm nodding), for sure. This week. Surrounded by snacks and beverages. A movie, or two, maybe three, in the background, so when looking up from the blank sheet my eyes will not drop in despair. 

unrelated:

I sometimes venture to the mall for a bit of sad dreary excitement, and see people carrying bundles of new clothes. Hmmm, where in the world are they going to show them off... I spoke about this with a few friends, and they too are confused. They also have seen this in wonderment.    

I so want to be optimistic. But when you're informed, have been informed for many years, and begin to see the drawing of those informed words come to life, with what sounds like a threat, after threat, able to see parts of tomorrow moving quickly forward... I can only exhale, be silent, and look to God.

It's like what Lyn Lehaz said, or tried to say in so few words, actually, she couldn't find the words... Yeah, girl, I get it. I get it. You can't utter, out loud, what's in your spirit, because it's hard to face. Grief is never easy to express. 

For years I worked on and off in bookstore/s, and people would search for books about grief. To help them with words of encouragement for themselves or others. And watching, listening to Lyn, what she couldn't find words to describe is mostly due to grief. When my grief is that point, feels a bit bottomless, I can only ramble incoherent sounds to God, knowing that he will understand. And he does. 

Okay, back to writing.  

I will write the outline, and eventually the script. Just to do it. I will still encourage my friends, with every hope and dream they have, because I love them. My grief will not flood them.

oh snap. I said this one will be happier. Okay. The next one. Promise.  

My My Mire

Watching the water helps some. I'll sit with a book and pay no attention to the time. I can feel the sun bleed strong on the skin, and in a moment the burn is quenched by the cool air wafting off the lake. 

Like, I said. This helps, a little.

Looking beyond this moment to tomorrow, the pages are stark white. Not even a smudge or a line to tease me. There's nothing, and I can't fathom a thought. Like, kerosene, it only adds to the fire plaguing my mind. The thoughts and hopes of yesterday burn bright.  

I've been searching for solace, something tangible. In my search of familiarity, I've veered back to a time when I was more innocent. The possibilities -limitless. I never feared failure, not once, I only feared never trying, despite obstacles and impossibilities. The challenges only sweetened the reward.

I'm far from finding that innocent girl. 

Knowledge can bring a wealth of loneliness. Loneliness of thought and truth. It's a burden. It feels like a burden. I'm making efforts to look away, to set my eyes on frivolity and careless images. I need to do this for a time.

This post reads a bit sad, I know. It's not meant to be.   

Recently I heard droplets of what I initially feared for someone I think so well of. My senses became heightened when hearing and seeing the reality, and a sigh fell off my lips. It appeared unnatural. But I'm not the storyteller, only an observer. And I left the unsightly image for a time, but it has reappeared, and with it many strange and curious words of concern. And I don't have much brain capacity to dwell on rumors. But it was a concern before, and knowing the darkness of what could be, I asked God for confirmation, which I don't ask for often. 

I asked that if true that a bird would shit on my car. And when I went to drive today, I saw two very large splats of poo on the windshield. Coincidence? I dunno. I'm gonna ask again. Than again, it's not often that a bird shits on your car, let along twice and never so splatty.

Keep you vaguely posted on that one.

You see, if there's one thing I despise most, it's control. To have a hand on someone or something, all for selfish gain (this has many branches). One must exercise great wisdom when placing that kind of spell, and it is a spell. The backfire will never allow a peaceful nights rest. And without rest the body will decay from the inside out. And IT will come for its return (fill in the blank: wealth, health, kin), perhaps not today, but in good time.  

Yeah, this post is a bit grim. I will try to write a more frivolous one next. 

A Secret

It's taking a while to write this... weeks, maybe more. The info coming in keeps changing, but the end result is the same. I've also been incredibly grieved at where humanity is heading.


So, in January, the world watched Wuhan fall to its knees. I got this immediate check in my spirit that something irreversible was happening. Fingers started to blame, and they haven't stopped. What matters now, in my opinion, is the end game.  

I knew industries would be touched, but not to this level? No. And this tsunami doesn't look to be ending. 

We all woke to a new day that quickly turned twilight, our vision barely adjusting to the dark. And yet there, in the far distance, the faint gallop of A Death Rider strides, whispering its ill-gotten plan. Some were well-aware of its mission (exhale), but never to this. It's rather brilliant. 

That A WEE little cold/flu can decimate the entire globe. The ENTIRE globe. The entire GLOBE.

But we're safe, just stay inside. Save all the hugs for tomorrow. Be patient. What's another month? 

"Don't leave the house" the parrots squawk in a sick serenade. Some with guns drawn.    

This unquestioned obedience frightens me. Who exactly is calling the shots? I can't point to an exact target, and there are names swirling, but I doubt they are the sole culprit. No, I don't think we've seen their true faces yet.  

So what do "they" want? 

It's definitely not money, they have all the money they want. That digital push button is limitless. But your ability to make money, and survive? Oh yeah, they want that. Independence scares the shit out of them. 

You cannot control what does not need you. 

They want you to beg, eventually, for money, to live, to eat, to return to a "new 
normal". Whatever the f**k that means. Whoever came up with that should be shot. 

And we can only get back to this "new normal" with a global shot.  I know so many people that are waiting for it, pleading, oblivious to what it will rob from them. It's ironic.

And Bill Gates with his invisible handlers?

It's a bit too easy. That patents and plans are all on the table for the world to see. That people are incensed, demanding the head of BG on a stake. I'm right with them, too, but I'm also watching and listening. It's very "on the nose", isn't it? Too easy to point out. And this reaction of many is to be expected. 

Now, is there a vaccine? For sure. With a chip? Oh, yeah, we've been told that its in the pipe for some time. But from this man?

Now, this is just me. My thoughts:

With so much of the world informed of the chip, this DNA changing chip, where payment in crypto$$ will be allotted (cause cash will be gone, debts gone, currency gone), why/who would be daft enough to run to the head of the line, besides the stubbornly uninformed? No one. 

I think Gates is a well-crafted (puppet), a distraction, and will be easily tossed to the side. Until the true "thing", I don't know what to call it, yet, arrives. The world will be excited with open arms, delighted to be saved. Sooo many people want Gates dead, sooo many are fully aware of the chipping plan - it's no secret. And that's what bugs me.  

It's no secret. 

If the ultimate plandemic is about control, what better way than to believe that you caused the tide to turn. You brought Goliath down (us collectively). My fear is that the Goliath behind "Gates" will appear harmless, but will continue the plan forward, with our consent.  

keep you posted. 

The Love Crap

Forgive me if this post is everywhere. I'm purging.


Years ago I worked for this dating coach who also had and still does have a popular dating/advice channel on Youtube, mainly catering to teens. It was nice for a time, but I needed to move on. It had nothing to do with her, she was and still is lovely.

Anyway, upon assisting her with content for an upcoming post I viewed lots of dating man-woman advice channels, and was floored, and I'm still floored at all the CRAP out there. Mainly men advising women how women should behave:

How to best dress and be confident
How to be emotionally assertive
How they like and want to be touched

Do all this and you'll snag a man!

And don't even get me started on the "Does he like me" signs.

I think messages and advice like this, from men especially, murks up how women might view themselves, and how people view basic normal everyday interactions between men and women. I'll use men and women because this is who these videos are geared to: Women Seeking Men.

The ever faithful quote:

"Men overestimate interest and women underestimate interest" alone blurs so much of the insight and information out there.

I have a friend N. She's beautiful, laughs easy and can talk up just about anyone. I'm the same, to a point. She has a common everyday issue, which is the above mentioned. I also have been very misunderstood. 

You see, people are mostly different. We all try to follow a certain set of societal rules but pending what you saw, heard or were spoon-fed, and pending your own fears, insecurities, baggage and scars, it will never be a one-size fits all love connection. 

So, back to men giving advice to women on how to be a woman, and the over estimate interest thing; I reel, and I mean stupendously reel at what most women face daily. Ask them, women, if they have ever been treated unfairly, or been misread for simply being a kind, warm, friendly human being. 

Someone should inform men as well as the women they date:

Looking at you or in your direction does not secretly imply interest.
Touching my hair is not flirting. Women always touch their hair.
Laughing at something you said? Maybe you actually said something funny.
Touching your arm.... well, some people are just naturally touchy.
Asking you about your life? Making polite conversation is just information.

It's bothersome the number of times women will hold their man close, or the razor eyes that come your way just because your in direct eye line. Again, this is a very common occurrence for all women. 

And to all the man-babies out there with a dagger in their heart because a woman doesn't mirror your affection? It's frightening. 

So how do you know (for sure) if someone likes you? Because the examples I've given above are what most "relationship experts" will testify that "YES!!" they're interested. 

Honestly, the best and only way to know is to ask them out. Or did they ask you out? On a date. Not dutch. The man will and must pursue what they want. And if a man can't even cough up the words to ask a women out on a coffee date... well, that's another page of writing to go through.

Women want men that are pursuant. Men often pursue what they want. Even a shy guy will try to share a few words and geek out a smile. We smile at what interests us, right? Like can you hold back a smile after seeing a gorgeous car, or handbag?

And let's not forget asexuals and demisexuals. You probably know a handful of these people. You might even be crushing on one, or a few, and they will never know it.  

That's it.

Too Nice. Yeah.

I'm a bit too nice. It's the flaw in me. I try to see the good in people, catching red flags, until the ugly spills out. After the stink, I'm gone. 

A smile can cover up sooo much, right? But in time the true intention will show itself. It's exhausting to keep up a lie. That's another thing about me... I'm a terrible liar. 

I write fiction, lots of it. Dialogue after dialogue, word after word of many conjured truths, and it's all a lie that my imagination drums out. But my characters, they are true, or as true as I try to make them, as honest as I try to make them. I never judge them. I just allow them to be, and then they start telling me who they are and how they feel, and sometimes where they want to go next.   

side note:

It's been SUPER long since I've posted. Sometimes, most of the time, I don't wanna share what isn't worth sharing, like, nothing has moved me to share my inner thoughts. I've just been on this strange flatline. Not dead, but just semi-alive, which is worse than dead. 

Update: I've been working in film, on sets, meeting it all: the good, the terrible, and the straight up "get professional help, like, therapy. or maybe you need a long vacation...like, find who you are all over again."

I'm not sure how long I'm gonna stay in this department... it's taxing on varied levels. Thankfully my writing is going well, which is my saving grace, my sanity. It gets lonely when you're too exhausted to socialize and be human, which may explain why some people in this business are for lack of a better word: unhappy.

But I will share about this one person. Ouuuu, this person is a bully, cruddy and manipulative. I have to work with them for a few days, and it will be the last I ever agree to ever work with them again. You see, I hate LIARS. I just do. I make no room for them. I tried to see the good in this person, even spoke well of them, because until I've experienced what many have described, I try to not let the words of others become my truth. It's their truth, not mine. 

So, yeah. Now it's my truth, and I will share it with people who might benefit from my truth. Like I always say to my peers: sharing is caring.

And now the Up. I have met some awesome, good-hearted people in this business. Like, straight up decent. It's these people I hope to grow with, and see them become the person they hope to be in this "industry".

Until I have life figured out (sorry, pausing for a laugh), I will work. And I will write. It'll be cool. Awesome and amazing. 

Thanks for reading

XX

Battlefield

Like the sound of a steed galloping in the distance. Like a dreamer about to wake from deep sleep, something approaches. 

Pages have been written about this day. Endless songs played and replayed. Catch breath, because something approaches. 

side note: have you ever sat beside an octopus? It ain't pretty. It's also not so pretty to be spoken to in this way... like I'm void of brains. A half-wit. A shell. Fucking offensive. 

When I was young I made this promise. No green light. No go. ...Is the light soon turning green... I thought this while on the subway, commuting to work. It was early, or some time of day, but it crossed my mind. And this thought NEVER crosses my mind. 

I'll keep you posted.

Yeah... The quality has been bad. More insincere than bad. More dishonest than insincere. Honor and Valor have gone off the trails, afraid to be upright, to be what it should be. This saddens me. 

... I'll keep you posted. 

Every Word Counts

Now, I've never argued with Stupid, like, what's the point. But I'm killer baffled. Like, half laughing and half mortified. 

Offended? No. Kinda pissed, pissed off, like really pissed? Fuck yeah.

Long ago, a friend, Albert, once advised me "choose your battles wisely". He shared this at the height of my pissed-off ness. I didn't care for his advice, at first, I was actually offended. Like, can't he see the injustice? Doesn't he care? But chewing on it, while grrr'ing and snarling, re-playing the dreaded scenario... He was right. 

So, fine. Exhale. Not worth my time.

Just recently, a few days ago, a Grrrr scenario went down. Like, two Grrrr incidents in the same day. 

At first I wondered if it was a generational thing... but it's not. It's a people thing. Maybe a bit of a generational thing. 

I was working on set, and while waiting for the day to start, people start shooting the breeze. I won't share specifics, but these two young lads spoke to me in this way as if I wasn't listening, like when you're talking about someone as soon as they leave the room, in a snide way. It felt like high school, and it's possible they just graduated from high school within the last five years.

"Why are they still accepting..."
"Long sleeves, again?" 

It's not what they said, but how they said it. It's all about intention. They said it to be outright mean, they wanted me to hear it. Or maybe we just live in a culture where people have no freaking clue how they sound because we've become so detached, or self-imperial, or just assholes. Take your pick.

I asked a few friends, is this normal now? To speak to people in such a way? I've never come across it, but my cross section of friends and acquaintances are your everyday, work hard, non asshole people. 

Everyone said, "Not normal". Another friend surmised "millennials". I guess they were of that age group, maybe? But mostly, idk? I'd love to blanket it and say, "yeah, millennials" but I think it's more far reaching.

I think people are more jerky nowadays. Rude. Self-important in their fiercely contained, well-managed and driven Instagram, selfie world. Too quick to judge, to toss to the side, and gossip, which has become a cultural norm. It's frightening. We've become this overly obsessed Tear-Down culture. The ultimate self-ruling judge. 

My crown is bigger than yours, so fuck off! 

I blame Twitter, the comments link to any article, boredom, and sheer ignorance to what goes on outside of your backyard: geopolitics and technology. If you were truly informed about the happenings of the rest of the world, like really informed without feeling informed by just reading a mere new headline, than this ambush to tear down strangers would become meaningless. Like, void of reason.

So. How should I end this...

For any jerks out there or loose lipped assholes. Before you drop the mic, ready to give it to someone, pretend that you're standing in front of a mirror. And let it rip, don't hold back. Go off!! And then keep going, and going, and going. Don't stop until you realize that words matter, that every word counts. And cuts.

Choose to be good.

The Interlude

Tangled roots. Binds. Cords. The cage. 

Certain words can break such devices. And very few will discern this.  



I'm working on a new script. It's taking a killer long time. I want it to be savage, as nature is savage. I want the reader to be uncomfortable and question what they feel and believe. I want it to be close to the first nature. And I don't want to deceive the reader, but be honest, which means... it's not easy to put it on paper. 

I will procrastinate. Later, I'll finish that part later, I say. I don't have the energy. Using your brain takes energy. And I rather think of blank half the time. It's very relaxing to think of blank.

This script may also be complete shit. Only time will tell.

I've not written this blog for x days due to extreme misstep, confusion, and complete boredom. Mind you nothing much has changed. The only thing that has changed is I have a somewhat less vague idea where I want to step next. It's a relief yet the waiting is maddening. And excess coffee only makes the wait more jittery.

ankle update: 99.9% healed. Not at a 100 yet. Possibly never. 

  

Wanting...

the right road.

I was speaking with a friend the other day, I haven't seen them for years. My friend shared with me the grief of finding their way in life and the time it's taking to get from point A to point ... somewhere else.

I feel for my friend, and I know exactly how they feel. It's not easy to be honest with yourself, especially when living in a world that points fingers and gets judgy. And we live in a very judgy world.

I personally couldn't give a shit what people think, and believe me, it's not easy getting to this place. But one thing I don't abide is when perceptions and untruths roll off the tongues of the misinformed:  people who are gossipy and stupid, maiming a persons life or character. I always say, if you can't say it to their face, just shut the fuck up.

And right now, at this time, which is 7AM in the morning, I'm truly unsatisfied with the road I'm on. It's a choking feeling yet I have no idea where to walk next. What I do know is that I HATE being told what to wear, and my current job has this particular company that wants to outfit us in a very popular brand. My colleagues are psyched, whooo, free stuff. Me? I'm utterly sickened. I'm very anti-brand, except for Chucks, I love my Chucks.

But about wanting...

I do know that I want to help people, I love people, as broken and messed-up as we are. Works in progress I always say, we are works in progress, or at least I hope we are. Until then (a window creaking open) I will hold my head up, press on, and try to be thankful for what I do have: healthy family, a roof over my head, intermittent/bouts of peace, coffee and hope. Oh, and God. I have God.

... I didn't mention friends. That was not by accident. It's really hard to find true friends. That's another blog, for another day. Or maybe not.

This is Home

Have you see it yet?

The mass wall of people. 

It's getting close to the season... or perhaps we're already in it - The jangle of repeat Christmas music, wreaths of varied design, and the endless string of twinkly lights. It's an annoying reminder that shopping will be expected. 

I was out last night with a few co-workers, watching fireworks under a grey clouded sky mixed with spats of rain. The show lasted for 4 minutes, maybe 5. It amazes me that people will huddle close with strangers in hopes to gaze at a man-made wonder. C and I got separated from our group, and when trying to maneuver through the sardine madness, we ended up in a parking garage trying to find a way above ground. 

What leads my heart to write this is not because of last night, or the frenzied crowd of Black Friday shoppers; it's more for the silence of the invisible: the folks that find a spot on the pavement, sitting on cardboard carpet, watching a sea of legs rush by. It's easy not to notice them. I wish I could give them all a gift, like a new start. Who couldn't use a new start. 

I have a home, and a bed, heat to keep me warm at night, and food in the fridge. I have family, cousins (some near, most far away), and a few good friends. I don't need a whole lot to feel content. I also don't know otherwise (pavement livin'), and hope I never see such a day.

But people on the street: kids, adults, seniors. I can't imagine their everyday. No bed to call their own. No heat to keep them warm at night. No fridge, and sometimes no food. 

A week or so ago I was getting to work, pacing quickly up the escalator. It was morning, and rush hour was at its peak. I saw this old man laying on the floor in the subway station, laying like he had collapsed from exhaustion. His hair looked like it hadn't been washed for who knows how long, it was stringy and clung to his face. His eyes half-closed. People rushed passed him, leaving him room. I gave him some money, not much, and he thanked me in a slur of words. I went on, looking back while walking away. I wanted to cry (I did, a bit. Crying now as I write). Where is his family...does he have one? Do they care? 

I saw him a week later laying outside on a heating grate. 

No one should live like this, especially in Canada. Everyone should have a safe place to call home.

Cold Wax

The cold wax grows, it's a disease. Such unease, this disease. It spreads like a cancer, eating through the soul, the spirit, heart and mind. It leaves tiny fragments of yesterday when the sunshine felt warmer and the glint of smiling eyes was for everyone. Cold wax doesn't stop spreading just because it's cold, it needs the cold to survive.

How did we get to this place? Can we ever go back? Have we forgotten to feel that much?

Brother against brother. Blood vs blood. All flesh spoils the same.

The chatter is damned deafening, and such noise will eviscerate discernment - that wee still voice, the inner truth, we all have. Words cut deep behind that smiling face. It pays well. IT pays very well. And silence is the most priceless of all. We've all learned to be silent, haven't we? Yeah, we have. When's the last time you couldn't truly speak how you feel, afraid of retribution. 

So dangerous when a hive serves itself. 

I want to press rewind. The only rewind we have nowadays is to harm, belittle or maim. 

I want to press rewind. 

When love was true, more true than now. Love to melt the wax. Love without judgement. Love without your side or mine (fuck that shit). 

update: a new chapter begins. idk what it will bring. holding steadfast to faith: God.
   

Tomorrow

This fishy (me) must swim elsewhere. I'm not escaping sharks, and I'm not running in search of clear water. My broken fin leads to this departure.  

Being broke is never fun. It fucking sucks. 

Tomorrow, what will it bring: More money, Love, Misadventures... worthwhile adventures. An adventure. Something to scarp away the dull. Ignite something. 

I just hate the ... sometimes  ... sucks.

Last night I dreamed I was sitting on a sofa with a man by my side. I was wearing a beautiful blue dress, dressed for an occasion. He was wearing a tuxedo, something like that. He had his hand on my knee; more than just a first date. He was much more than a date.

Yeah. Awesome. Like, where is he, for real, like in real-time. A galaxy or a lifetime away. 

And I've seen some handsome men lately, this job I'm leaving brings that in: eye candy. 

Before Dust

No one said it was easy... to wake up in the morning. 

The dawn breaks, night falls, and clouds roll over, but the ground has yet to change. Footsteps trample over as strangers pick at the weeds. 

"Oh, look, I found another one," they shout. 

It's easy to spot weeds when they don't grow in your own backyard. It's easy to pull on the ugly when there is never a fear in turning back.

No one said it was easy... to wake up in the morning. 

The sun pushes hard against the clouds, it begs to shine, it wants to give life to everything, everyone, below. But God has another plan, and the harvest must wait. So take a breath and let us turn down the bed for another night.

side note:

I know of this one weed called Sally. She grew in the shade, she never knew another weed. But she was never alone, she befriended many ants and earthworms. They never saw her as a weed, no, they saw so much more. She was their shelter from the rain, and her leaves wrapped them like the warmth of a mother's hand. Sally was and will always be more than a weed. But ask the flowers, and they'll tell you different. Lesson for today: not all flowers are pretty.

No one said it was easy... to wake up in the morning.

When it's dark and the the bridge has torn a part, and the only one who can fix it has walked away. 

"I don't care. I don't want to fix it. Let the wood rot and the nails turn brittle from rust. I've cared enough for the bridge, I no longer want to shoulder it. It's over." 

"What happened to the bridge, how did it break?"

" A storm fell on it. A cyclone. Like a scream it beat down for almost an hour, turning up the earth and the dead in it. It drew blood from many yesterdays, fueled by fear, unable to see beyond itself."

"Will the bridge ever be repaired?"

"I don't know..."

No one said it was easy... to wake up in the morning.

To the woman without water who cries for her children, or the man without a friend who turns to God with fragmented words... I see you. And to the tree once filled with cobwebs, you are now free to grow. Be strong with firmly planted roots (take your time tree, take your time to grow). 

And to my friend, hold on through the sunny days and storms called life. You have no reason to explain yourself to anyone. Never fear, and confide in God if you can, for he can read laughter and understands tears. 

I have faith in you.

Update: My ankle fracture is almost all good (so she says). 

I broke in new shoes, today, and searched the city for black. I love wearing black, any other color makes me a bit uneasy. But this time round the thrill was less than. I'm not buying for me.  

It LURKS

It LURKS. While sitting at the kitchen table, the chair facing the window, the window facing a bedroom - my bedroom. 

It LURKS. 

Is he just super lonely? Cause the silence across the fence is but a dead calm. A sudden calm which has not peeped a sound for many upon many days. Before this calm I would hear a constant flow of chatter followed by a rough smokers cough. Just where has that cough gone?

We wonder...it's a mystery. We've summed up many possibilities, but only God knows, as well as the one who LURKS. Her car still parked in the drive way. Even her dog is nada in sight. 

But he who LURKS is much too quiet, alone in his 4 bedroom home. He mows the lawn twice a week, back and forth in perfect straight lines. I too lurk, mini-lurk, only due to the amount of his LURKness.

What do they say about the ones who end up in prison, having snatched the life of an innocent soul? 

: he was a nice guy
: Quiet, kept to himself


Maybe my boredom and imagination is getting the better of me. That will soon change.


ankle update: getting better with each day. 

Pruning Vines

It's hard to notice when you need a trim. Time can be blinding, dulling all the senses. It's only when life gets miserably quiet, or you finally choose to take a peek under the rug that you notice the muck.

Now muck can be just that: dirt. Dirty laundry. A sink full or crusty dishes. A sticky floor. Or a ring around the tub. But it does indicate something: Neglect

2017 has been illuminating. The real, the fake, the just there, the I don't care, or I will never share. It's tough, having to face "things" like a grown-up, which has little to do with age or maturity. It's about keeping it real, and not allowing to settle. Be it friends, lovers, dreams, all the good stuff that makes sleep delicious and the morning worthwhile. 

I have snipped without regret. I may eat my actions and regret it years from now. But today, right now... my head shakes.

It's quieter. But I've chosen quieter. A good time to catch up on reading. 

Nosce te ipsum. Know thyself. It sometimes takes a lifetime to admit that it does actually take a lifetime to cough up to truth. It hurts like hell to prune bullshit from your life, but courage is its own reward. 

Exhale.

But then there are other vines... perhaps a bit too ignored. Much of it due to pain, heartache, awful memories, and the dreaded fear of failure. I'm chewing on this lately, for the passed 6 months, maybe 8. It's killing me, the inner-inner me. That's the awful thing about dreams. There's always a cost somewhere, a payment due somewhere, to someone. Be it the mind, body or soul. I do fear the cost. It's something I never share with people, just with God. Some dreams, hopes, wishes, whatever, are too intimate to hear out loud.



Update on fractured ankle: I can walk fine, but I can't jump or run well. A few more months. Blah.